Gaming Soliloquy
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shoddiness of Mediocrity
Upon sitting down one night with my highly inspired other half, I attempted the question:
“Honey, would you like to play a game?”
“Yes!” She gleamed.
As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life.
This was a satisfactory response to be sure. But which game? Let’s just hypothesize that there was only ever one choice on this evening. The glint in her eye caught the seventy dollar prize that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist and that, was proverbially, that.
The turtles have always been a favored crew in the voyage of my youth and time has not dulled that weapon. Anything labeled with TMNT brings about epic bouts of ninja laden bad-assery. But it had been quite a span since my previous outing in the echelon of the abnormally awesome turtles. But how could this exploit in marital camaraderie possibly be shattered? Particularly on my much revered Sega Genesis?
My hopes for a rerun of the enjoyment found with my friends of the Chelonii order, were quickly dashed as the truth of our plight took hold. While the Genesis hardware was adept with “sounding” marvelous when treated with respect and passion, Konami shit the mattress on this junket. To say the sound quality is incompetent would be a lavish compliment delivered on a bed of wilted roses. Not only are some speech samples omitted (Turtles in Time has more), but the remaining “Cowabungas!” and “Let’s Kick Shells!” appear to have been registered through a microphone circa 1935. Picture World War 2 era ninja turtles, mutated via nuclear bomb, recording their voices via phonograph. The result? Unintelligible, scratchy gibberish. No matter, turtles need not speak anyway, right?
Sound insights aside, allow me to be blunt. Hyperstone Heist is no equivalent to the exceptional SNES classic: Turtles in Time. In point of fact, it would appear to be an insignificant offspring from a failed marriage of two superior precursors: the aforementioned Turtles in Time and the poorly aged TMNT 2. DNA from both coarse through the veins of Hyperstone, but instead of using the finer elements of these games, Hyperstone was saddled with Konami’s cutting room floor. Leftover concepts and lazy execution make for a dangerously tedious experience which ends with an abrupt and abbreviated defeat.
A half assed adventure, turtles beware, no time for a warning, what a bunch of hot air
Uninspired game play and levels galore, nonsensical environments, this game is a bore
Terrible sound and inexplicable design, let’s just be honest, this game is a crime
What were they thinking, who really knows what, all I can say is, they fell in a rut
Even the new movie, where the turtles have “lips”, Michael Bay is a travesty, but it MUST be better than this
Do yourself a favor, ignore this measly slime, spend the sixty dollars and just buy Turtles in Time
Aggro Sky
Aggro Sky grew up netting tropical fish and eating mostly home grown organic fruits and vegetables. He received an Atari 2600 from his uncle when he was a mere 3 years old and progressed on to pretty much every major gaming platform since. He would like to inform everyone that the Sega Genesis is "God" and that you can follow him on Twitter @zfunk007 or read some of his other writings on Gamers Only Older or his blog at: http://zfunk007.tumblr.com/ which contains links to all of his work. He resides in sunny South Florida with his wife and 3 cats and has no plans for procreation.
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