The Retro Critic

REVIEW A BAD GAME DAY – ALF

Alf was great.

Oh sure, looking back he looks pretty gross and the awkward tension on the set of the show is palpable throughout every episode, and maybe he wasn’t exactly funny “per se” but we still loved the Melmacian back in the day so a game should bring back some happy memories.

Right?

Oh now I remember, that Sega Master System game RUINED MY LIFE!

Well, my weekend at least.

Thank you Review A Bad Game Day and 1MoreCastle for giving me the opportunity to vent about this one. I promise I’ll keep it clean this time ;)

Playing the game as a kid I had no idea what I was meant to do. All I knew is that I was Alf, I could wave salamis around and eat stray cats, or make them disappear at least. I knew that weird vacuum cleaner-looking thing on the roof was important (it’s a spaceship) but what am I meant to think when I walk into the kitchen and see this:

Is this a joke? I can’t tell, there’s no canned laughter playing…

Doesn’t Alf usually EAT whatever’s in the fridge rather than use it as a weapon? Bearing in mind we haven’t seen bats at this point in the game, it’s the second screen, so the very mention of bats is just weird. And in case you’re wondering: Yes, that IS a cat in my inventory. I either ate it or shoved it somewhere not comfortable at all. For either of us. Oh, and some guy’s hanging around the kitchen, I’m guessing that’s a nosy neighbor?

Hm, still. Doesn’t explain why he’s so short he can’t reach the sink…

How big is this kitchen?

You walk around and eventually make your way to the basement where that cat you’ve been carrying finally comes in handy and chases some rat around. Turns out your basement opens up into the Batcave where a lot of this happens:

You can’t even hit the bloody things, you just wave that salami stick near a bat and it kinda moves away for a minute. It’s about as rewarding as killing Goombas by batting your eyelashes 3 meters away. What’s that about?

You find a “gold nugget” in some barn deep inside the cave and eventually get to exchange it for a key in a random store. What a rip off… Oh and, by the way, remember how the whole point of the series was that Alf couldn’t go outside because everyone would freak out? Not here. He’s out and about and everyone’s cool with it. Thinking about it, the game’s more like Project Alf than the show but I digress…

Alf gets to go underwater as well at one point where he has to swim straight down, avoid harpoons from nearby divers and…

Let me guess…

Catfish?

*shudder*

And as if that wasn’t dumb enough, you find out that at the bottom of the sea is a giant cartoon clam. Whatever, forget the clam, get yourself back to the general store and get a ladder which you’ll then need to use to walk over a hole in that stupid cave. This is actually where I got stuck playing the game as a kid. Damn ladder. Make sure you’ve got a lantern before you go back in the cave and it should be plain sailing from then on. Turns out the whole point of this nightmare was to get fuel to get that weird space vacuum cleaner working.

Believe it or not: THIS is when things start getting really messed-up.

So you’re flying up, everything’s fine.

The game designers were bold enough to include some subtle gradual shading of the background colors between the sky and space.

NOT.

And the higher you get the “higher” you feel like getting.

Don’t ask.

And if that wasn’t enough to ensure you never watch another Alf episode again, this happens:

Welcome to the Moon, people.

Yes the Moon has a tongue. Surprised?

Why do you think it’s SO angry?

Your final “reward” for finishing such a silly, silly game boils down to a halved Alf having yet another fit (see the start menu pic above for the first one) in some flying saucer. I think he’s meant to be happy but frankly it looks like he needs help.

Maybe I’m being harsh with this game, I mean at least it has a sense of humour and if you know what you’re meant to do you can get the entire thing done in like 10 minutes. Just make sure you die when you’re finished in any location and you’ll be teleported back to where you need to be next.

There are worse games out there, for sure, but this is one I just had to sit down and slap in the face because there’s making jokes and there’s putting nonsense into a game and expecting a dumbass kid to create some form of “Alf logic” in his mind in order to finish what is essentially a really easy game but which feels like a chore. The controls are also a bit of a drag, I should mention. It’s a bit lazy that you essentially only fight bats and carry one weapon the entire time. Couldn’t he have thrown tomatoes at… pandas or something?

I’m just saying: If you’re gonna go surreal, go all-out, don’t tease us with salami.

Just make sure you know what you’re meant to do before you play the game and you should be fine. You won’t feel smart playing it but at least you won’t lose braincells trying to make sense of it.

I leave you with a gratuitous catfish shot.

Cat–Fish, geddit?

*shudder*