The Retro Critic

JAMES POND: UNDERWATER AGENT

Damn you Skyfall…

After talking The Duel last week, I felt that good old James Pond deserved better than a mere cameo mention so here it is: not so much a full-on review of The Pondmeister’s first Genesis game but rather a general look at just how random the whole thing is.

The game starts with a parody of the MGM logo that I can only describe as…

One of Mr Limpet‘s worst nightmares.

Already you start the game not feeling particularly good inside.

So anyway, you’re this fish and you’re going around blowing bubbles at crabs and other sea creatures, picking up random things and going on goofy-ass missions.

The pacing of the game is crazy-fast but the controls are smooth, the animation’s great and it’s all pretty colorful not to mention full of lols so all in all it’s a good game! Great fun to play. Half the time you’re not sure what’s actually going on but you have a ball regardless.

Really?!

Um… cool, fine… whatever.

I mean, look at the following screenshot and tell me what you think’s happening:

OIL lol

Go ahead, try it.

I mean, ok. I’ll admit taking anything out of context from that game is gonna lead to confusion but it’s just so much fun! Because when you’re playing it, the game kinda makes sense, you get sucked into it and you ignore just how messed-up it actually is but looking back…

Wow.

But it’s not like The Three Stooges game which tried to have a sense a humour but failed because of how unplayable it was, James Pond is smooth sailing all the way. Which is not to say it’s an easy game: it’s pretty relentless so you do have to pay attention. After all, these aren’t just ANY missions you’re made to go on, these are proper international threats you’re battling!

Bad example.

Come on, they just wanted a Licence To Kill pun in there. Let’s look at another, fuller mission.

See! Saving seals. Case and point.

Wait, what?

Um… they could still find Atlantis, you know. It’s unlikely but I’m not ruling it out! And when they do you don’t want those vases to fall into the wrong hands… right?

Alright, it’s Top 10 time! Here is my Top 10 Favourite Weird-Ass James Pond Creatures:

10

Badass Vampire Fish

This guy doesn’t take crap from anyone. He’s got his glue, he’s got his shrooms, he’s wearing a sleeveless leather jacket. Don’t mess with him.

9

Trenchcoat Dude

Not sure what this guy’s deal is. Private detective? Fish flasher? Who knows…

8

 Eel/Sea-Snake Guy

Looks aren’t everything.

7

Miserable Frog Lizard

I’ve never seen anything this unhappy. Unless that’s a mustache and he’s just staring…

6

Octopussies

They’ve got the best name and they know it. Look at those smug bastards.

5

Dolphin Slaves

Poor dolphins, you spend like an entire level riding them. And you don’t even tip ’em.

4

Man

Come on! When are we ever this douchey-lookin’?

3

Treeface