The Retro Critic

Big Nose The Caveman

I almost don’t need to elaborate on that, do I?

Yes, it’s time to talk about an NES game that not only sounds silly but is exactly just that.

Why would I even think of playing Big Nose The Caveman? Well, let’s just say that watching Riddick, a film in which a tough guy walks around punching monsters in the face, frolicking with random creatures, somewhat inspired me.

Now, there are tons of caveman-themed games out there, including several Big Nose games (Big Nose Freaks Out is the geniusely titled sequel) but let’s take a look at this one first and foremost.

As with any caveman game, the plot is paper thin and about as smart as, well, a caveman.

You’re the unfortunately named Big Nose and you’re on a perilous quest to find… dinner. Along the way, you pick up all sorts of berries and bones, the latter you end up using as currency to buy spells and other uncanny items from this dude:

He doesn’t actually say that, I’m just trolling.

Early on, I was taken aback and, for a second, thought that finally, here was a game which didn’t go down the easy Flintstones route and resisted the urge to put cavemen and dinosaurs together.

How refreshing!

Wait…

Dino?!

Grrrr, never mind.

Big Nose The Caveman is, indeed, a side-scroller in which you jump around lazily designed platforms battling lazily designed enemies as a lazily designed protagonist.

I’ll elaborate on that a little.

You remember how Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout was glitchy, kinda crappy looking and had controls you could work with yet which felt really, really stiff? Same thing here. Everything seems rushed, from the truly unimpressive backgrounds…

To the cheap Sonic The Hedgehog/Super Mario Bros.-style platforms…

To the glitchy dino-turtle shells you either kill or use as temporary bridges throughout the game.

To the low-grade theme-park-sounding levels…

It’s really quite bland visually and, honestly, the game doesn’t even give you the chance to start over from checkpoints if you die despite how surprisingly long the game actually is so it hardly feels worth it.

I mean, even the enemies you face in this game are completely underwhelming.

Terrifying.

OhmygodI’msoscaredyouguys.

*high-pitched scream*

I don’t even know what that is but: AAAAAAAAH!!!

Wait, Simba?!

Um, that’s a giant scorpion: those don’t exist. I thought this was a caveman game, not Clash Of The Titans!

Once you get to the bosses, they’re so straight-forward to beat that you quickly start questioning why you even started playing this game in the first place. I’ll save you the trouble: the title’s fun, the game isn’t.

It needed to be much goofier than this to warrant a play, frankly.

Then again.

There is the ending…

Here’s what happens:

Suddenly your hair colour changes and you start running towards this pterodactyl.