The Retro Critic

RoboCop

Remember when I reviewed RoboCop vs The Terminator?

Remember how good an idea that was?

Well, since then, a genius studio executive, high up in the Hollywood hills, decided to ignore that and, instead, remake Paul Verhoeven’s 80’s classic RoboCop because everyone wanted that, apparently. Needless to say that the film, which is released this week, doesn’t look good.

Which is why I thought I’d take this opportunity to put a positive spin on things and talk about something both good and RoboCop related: the RoboCop NES game.

The game was released on the arcade and several consoles, including the NES, and, although that particular port didn’t quite live up both visually and as a whole to the arcade game, it was still a fun little effort which stayed true to the spirit of the source material.

Hear that, Robocop movie remake?

Anyway, the game boots up with, ironically, RoboCop booting up:

The iconic music theme of the movie starts paying in all its 8-bit glory and we are introduced to our half-man half-machine protagonist:

Wow, that’s actually a lot of information.

It’s RoboCop!

I think I’m good in terms of who/what he is and what he can do, not sure I need the dude’s exact weight and height.

Any more details you’d like us to know before we start playing?

You forgot to remind us his real name was Murphy, by the way.

Also: he loves Nutella milkshakes and sunsets.

Can we get to some badass stuff, please?

Good.

The game finally begins and it’s a typical side-scroller in which you’re RoboCop going around the streets of Detroit killing random thugs, eventually bursting through the offices of shady organisation OCP.

Punching as RoboCop, right off the bat, is tons of fun.

I like that the game realises that a single punch by RoboCop would probably knock you out for good. Which is why you can punch two dudes with one swing, if you like:

So satisfying.

It’s quite amusing that everyone is shorter than you as well, which means that it really doesn’t look like shooting them in the head should work:

But it does, luckily.

Not all bad guys are easy to kill, however. Some hide high up with flame-throwers:

There are several weapons for RoboCop to pick up throughout but be sure not to use them too randomly because they tend to come in handy at very specific moments. The game, which can get pretty challenging, becomes easier to beat if you hold off on wasting certain weapons until you actually need them.

Otherwise punching works fine.

Oh look!

An adorable dog!

:O

Jeesh…

Forgot this wasn’t the overly friendly RoboCop from Robocop 2 or the PG-13-approved RoboCop from this year’s remake!

This RoboCop is MEAN!

NES animal cruelty: it would be wrong if it wasn’t so uncomfortably hilarious.

Anyway, there are a few bosses you face in the game including blue guys and red guys who look strangely similar in their design:

It’s almost as if…

They were exactly the same!

They’re annoying but relatively easy to beat.

The first real boss you fight, however, is this robotic wall with spikes:

How’s RoboCop ever going to get out of this one?!

Which weapon will he use?

Will he jump over the wall and destroy it from behind?

Don’t punch it, man!

You’ll get hurt and OCP will have to fix you up and change your program entirely again!

Or…

It’ll totally work.

It looks like there isn’t a problem which 80’s RoboCop can’t resolve by punching.

A wall?

No problem:

No wall can out-punch the mighty RoboCop!

No Juicy Fruit chewing gum pieces can fall on the mighty RoboCop and live to tell the tale!

Other villains you face in the game include these two guys who, for some reason, shoot at you while standing really close to each other in the most patriotic room you’ll ever see in an NES game:

If you get on one knee every so often and shoot at them, they’ll go away pretty quickly.

I was surprised to find out that OCP not only helped build RoboCop but these little vacuum cleaner spider things:

And big indoor monster bots:

Totally thought these were meant to be ED-209’s, by the way.

That is, until this guy showed up:

Like in RoboCop vs The Terminator, you beat ED-209 by shooting parts of it off, bit by bit.

He even comes back in a later level and takes longer to beat.

I guess either they rebuilt him really quickly or they had a better ED-209 waiting in the stockroom and chose to use a crappier model first, for some reason.

REDRUM!

That’s the NES trying to make us believe it’s a different level when it’s really just the same again by adding in a red background.

To be fair, the game does genuinely try to have some variety to it.

You’ve got some bonus levels where RoboCop practices in a shooting gallery:

You even have a level in which RoboCop battles helicopters on a giant conveyor belt:

The game’s plot soon reaches its nail-biting conclusion as RoboCop inexplicably sticks his tongue out to tell us who he’s about to arrest:

Cool, now this’ll be fun: RoboCop vs Dick.

Dick Jones.

Now be careful, RoboCop…

He’s got a Cobra Gun!

Ok, it’s time for the final showdown:

Oh, ok.

This guy’ll take care of it?

Fair enough.

So that’s RoboCop for the NES and, as you can see, it’s not bad at all. It’s a little short but it’s challenging enough to give you your money’s worth. Plus it’s fun and stays true to the spirit of the movie so, if you like RoboCop and the NES, then why not give this one a go?

Even if it isn’t the best port of that particular game or the best RoboCop game overall, it’s still a worthy, enjoyable licensed NES outing.

Well that’s an abrupt, stern ending to the game!

I expected a friendlier, happier send-off…

That’s better!

I like polite, upbeat RoboCop from RoboCop 2.

He’s the RoboCop you can have a beer with!

(when he’s off duty)

(never)