No More Inquiries
Good day, comrades! Today we have a very… interesting interview with a man who is very… unique and… dear to me. I won’t give that much of an introduction, I’ll just let the piece speak for itself.
Daniel Lamplugh: So, today we have a special guest. My friend, companion, and Canadian friend, Pierre Goguen. Pierre is a writer and co-creator of GMZ, the creator and sole writer of Game Overkill, and the former 1MoreCastle series, Atari Poop. Pierre, would you like to tell us a little about yourself?
Pierre Goguen: I’d rather not.
DL: So, you first broke onto the scene with the series Atari Poop. It was one of 1MoreCastle’s earliest series. What planted the creative seed for a series that mocks Atari games?
PG: I’m not at liberty to say.
DL: Do you see Atari Poop as a piece of art? Do you believe that any creative work is art? Or do you believe it is more narrowly defined?
PG: I’ve been advised by my lawyers to not answer that question.
DL: Well, was it sad to finish a series that you had been working on for so long?
PG: I cannot answer that question without violating several articles of the Geneva Convention and at least two conditions of my probation.
DL: Okay, so, GMZ came about over a year of planning. I know that I have my own version of the story, but what’s your take on the formation of GMZ?
PG: The world just isn’t ready to hear that story yet.
DL: I suppose. How do you brainstorm ideas for GMZ? Is there a process? Or is it all just moments of inspiration striking?
PG: Are you fucking serious? THAT’s your question?
DL: Fine! How long do you expect GMZ to continue? It’s been going over a year now.
PG: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
DL: Uh, okay, moving onto Game Overkill. So, you have a pretty busy life: wife, kids, work. Why did you pick now to start a series where you play a ton of games?
PG: What the fuck?! How dare you? How dare you bring that into the conversation? That’s my personal life and you have no business bringing it up. Never, EVER mention my work again.
DL: Has Game Overkill turned you onto any games that you wouldn’t have considered playing previously?
PG: I wanna cut your pretty little face.
DL: How are the wife and kids?
PG: And drink your blood.
DL: Okay… are you going to answer any of my questions?
PG: *Looks up at ceiling as if deep in thought while rubbing his crotch*
DL: Gross. Since it seems that you aren’t going to answer anything, I’ll end with this: How am I as a writing partner?
PG: Oh shit. You, Daniel Lamplugh, are pretty much the worst human being I’ve ever had the displeasure of associating with. You have exactly zero redeeming qualities. A simple interaction with you is akin to having someone take a large shit directly into your soul… and I don’t even believe in souls. It’s just the best way to even begin to scratch the surface of how utterly awful you are as a human being, if I can even use that term to describe whatever borderline form of sentient life you are. You’re selfish. You do maybe 5% of the work at GMZ but beat and abuse 95% of our interns. Most of the stuff you do write sounds like it was written by some teenager who’s still in high school and loves the drama club a little too much. Also, you seem to think you can hide it, but I’m going to finally tell you: no matter how much “Boyfriend” by Justin Bieber you put on, everyone at the office knows you wear adult diapers and just piss and shit yourself everyday because you are unable to use a washroom in a building if there is even one single person other than you in it. Not a single thing you’ve ever written has been remotely funny. Not the Ubisoft and Santa Claus deal story. Not the Zelda timeline story. Not the J.J. Abrams/Battletoads movie story. I could keep going, but I’d just be listing everything you’ve ever written. Honestly, I almost wish that there was currently some vast video game conspiracy involving the people we’ve written about forming some kind of international secret society with the singular goal of killing you…or me…right now. I’m just not sure I’m going to be able to stomach working with you beyond this summer. It’s too much. I know I told the UN I would do it as part of my Human Rights Court plea deal, but it’s just too much for one man to keep doing and somehow find a way to live with himself. To quote a Kurt Cobain song title, I hate myself and I want to die. I don’t like you and your face is stupid.
DL: Is that seriously the only question you are answering?
PG: *farts while licking his lips seductively*
DL: Get out.
PG: *Makes sex noises while walking out, revealing that he was nude from the waist down the entire time*