GMZ #2-13 – Conspiracy! Blackmail! Bailey!

Brian Crecente and John Romero Spotted Together Looking at Real Estate

By Weir Neckst

Secret Lair

And we believe them

Two gaming “legends,” John Romero (who is mostly known for being the less successful of the two Johns from id Software, and subsequently telling everyone how much of his bitch they are) and Brian Crecente (known for….doing….something) were recently spotted together in New Jersey, shopping for real estate. The two met in a Starbucks, and poured through property books, before visiting New Jersey real estate agent, Frank Frankinson. Frankinson showed Crecente and Romero through several properties, mostly shady warehouses.

An anonymous tipper shared to GMZ that the warehouses the two were looking at were all “slightly larger than sex dungeon” size.

Why Crecente and Romero are looking at warehouse real estate is unknown at this time, though, the anonymous tipper repeated many times that Romero is looking to “make someone his bitch.”

If that is the case, our regards to Crecente.

GMZ Receives Threatening Letters

By B. Nosse Err

For your own good.

For your own good.

Over the last two weeks, the GMZ offices have begun receiving threatening letters, blackmailing GMZ co-founders Daniel Lamplugh and Pierre Goguen. The letters contained many accounts of unethical actions allegedly committed by the duo, including money laundering, black market trading, and assault. As well, almost every letter came with nude photographs of Lamplugh.

The blackmailers list their only demand: that GMZ stop  publication immediately. Co-founder Daniel Lamplugh had this to say, in response to the demands,

“I won’t stop GMZ for the wishes of some half-baked nut jobs who think that I’m scared of people seeing me nude. Let’s be real, anyway, those photos of me are obviously photoshopped. My penis isn’t nearly that big.”

In reaction to the images, Eric Bailey, editor-in-chief at 1MoreCastle had this to say.

“I mean, what could [he] be so ashamed of–oh. OH. Oh. I see. This… this changes everything.”

There are no leads as to who the blackmailers are at this time, but GMZ’s investigative reporters are searching for evidence at this time, alongside a police investigation. The feeling at the GMZ offices is optimistic right now, but only time will tell.


Eric Bailey, That Joke Isn’t Punny Anymore

By Terry Bill Joe Kerr

Jason Lamb Might Be a Genius

Thanks to medical records obtained by a GMZ staffer who, we insist, was acting of their own accord, was not coerced in any way whatsoever, and has totally been fired as a result of their highly unethical actions, gained access to the 1 More Castle personnel files the management there keeps in old shoe boxes under the bed Andrew Carreiro keeps in his office, we have found out that 1MC co-founder and editor-in-chief, Eric Bailey, may suffer from an extremely rare neurological disorder. We had the medical records verified to make sure they were 100 undoctored.

The editors here debated long and hard whether or not to publish what we had found, weighing Mr. Bailey’s right to privacy against their desire for “lots of money,” but ultimately choose to expose the shocking truth in the name of freedom and such noble things.

Surely it comes as a surprise to no one that Eric has a pun obsession that borders on the pathological. Now, most people recognise puns for what they are, unquestionably terrible and the absolute lowest form of comedy, but Eric stands like a one-man army, spitting in the face of reason, common sense, and good taste. Worst of all, his obsession seems to have gotten progressively worse over that last weeks and months. A quick glance at his tweets today alone provide ample evidence:

Everyone agrees that this is awful, but he’s a nice guy, so we humour him, like a child who mispronounces his own name. Sadly, there seems to be mounting evidence that his behaviour might not be as disgustingly innocent as we believed, as it appears that the disorder is somehow the first neurological disorder that can be transmitted via the Internet. Just look at how quickly it can spread:

There is tonnes more evidence of this, but we’re not here to shame everyone. No, we’re only here to shame one person: Eric Bailey. So, Eric’s problem is serious and he is clearly spreading it to other people. How long before Twitter, then the rest of the Internet, becomes nothing more than a toxic cesspool filled with  mindless, mouth-breathing troglodites yelling puns at each other? Thankfully, a few brave digital doctors have taken it upon themselves to cure the disease:

Unfortunately, the battle seems already lost because a disease is not something that can be reasoned with and, so far, no amount of snark or GIFs has stopped it, and this, not more clicks, is the 100% noble and real reason why we chose to run this story. This is a disease and we’re worried about our friend, but what do you do with someone who tweets the same single word 6 times in 18 minutes for no apparent reason?

So we chose to shed some light on the disorder in the hopes that our friend will seek help and that his friends and family understand him better. The disease is called Witzelsucht, named by combining the German words Wetzeln, meaning joke or wisecrack, and Sucht, meaning addiction. It is entirely possible that the word Sucht was used because puns suck and the person who named the disorder also suffered from it.

For those of you who did not bother clicking on the link, Witzelsucht is a set of very rare neurological symptoms characterised in particular by the tendency to make puns. Here’s a screenshot of a couple of documented cases of it:

Bailey Syndrome

Now, we’re no doctors (at least not legally anymore), so we don’t know if Eric suffered a serious head injury or a stroke (or both), but the documents we’ve seen show that the 1 More Castle doctors believe he may be suffering from the disease, but when they told him about it, he asked them if they were going to put him in “Nintensive care.” Note that this is typical behaviour exhibited by people suffering from Witzelsucht.

As Eric’s friends and coworkers, here is our plea:

Dear Eric Bailey, we here at GMZ want you to know that despite your socially unacceptable habits, we love you and are here for you. We beg you to get the help you need. We want you to know that we don’t judge you (much) and understand that your behaviour is out of your control. We’re here for you. Though your punning is unbearable, we’d be beary happy to… oh shit, I think I’ve contracted it. Oh crap, what do I do? The Nintelligent part of me hopes the surgery isn’t Ninvasive. Damn, now I’m seeing I wrote puns throughout this story. Oh crap, I was so focused, I guess I never noticed. I guess I got caught up in the…