Christmas shopping for video games… literally.

You ever take those online surveys or find yourself stopped at the mall by those people with the clipboards that ask you to go take a survey for $2?

A common question in those surveys asks about what you’d do if that product or brand “came to life as a person.”  Personally, I always thought this was a really silly question… as if Gatorade came to life as a person I assure you I wouldn’t find it charming or fun or whatever else they ask me.  I’d probably freak the holy hell out.

That being said, I’m going to use this idea for this column this week.  If some major game titles and consoles came to life as a person, and I liked them after I stopped freaking the hell out at a living XBox 360 or whatever, I might consider some Christmas presents for them.

For the Nintendo Wii U:  A better name.  The name of a console should not sound like a 5-year-old’s reaction to a fart in the car.

For Call of Duty:  Servers that work.  No longer a secret you are going to sell a bajillion and three copies, Activision, so prepare accordingly.  Some days your prized game has more migrations than El Paso and it just takes away from it too much.

For Princess Peach:  A better security plan.  I know you and this plumber guy have been friends for a long time and all, but eventually you are going to have to accept the fact that he can’t do the job.  People are talking, figuring this must be a role play thing ya’ll have, because you’ve been kidnapped way too many times now without any additional precautions put into place.

For Madden NFL:  Players who will actually play.  I have a hard time wanting to spend much time playing any Madden games anymore because the odds that an opponent will finish out the game are so low.  Ragequitters ruin the online experience for me.

For Pac-Man:  Better health.  You are 32 years old now, man.  You have to start watching what you eat.  Change up the diet a little bit, replace a few dots and cherries with some fiber and proteins.  Cut out the keys and bells as they are hard to digest.  Check your blood sugar and check it often.  It’s the right thing to do.

If you could buy a video game or video game character a Christmas present, what would you choose?