If classic games were new today, what could they be blamed for?

The supposed evils of video games is once again filling our “news” networks with headlines and politicians with sound bites.

The “debate” ain’t new… going back as far as 1976’s Death Race, which allegedly was going to turn youth into automotive terrors.   However, there are plenty of games that I could have easily seen the media attack over time for various ills of society.

Here are some angles they clearly missed or would probably apply if the game was new today.

Pac-Man – Childhood obesity

I mean… he eats everything in sight.  No moderation.  Unhealthy yellowish skin.  Choking hazards on bells and keys also come into play.  And he eats pills that makes everyone else look like food to him.  They’d have been all over this one, man.

Paperboy – Vandalism

He’s supposed to be delivering papers, but instead he is encouraged to break windows, hit passers by and even knock over tombstones in a blatant disrespect of the dead.  Can’t you just hear the “expert” on television speaking of what this game might do to young, impressionable paper delivery people?  I can.

BurgerTime – Unhealthy eating

“This game will certainly teach our children that stepping on other people’s food and adding numerous hot dogs to a hamburger is okay,” says the imaginary-yet-realistic talking TV head in my mind.

Hard Drivin’ – Cow ramming

I know I didn’t play that game for time.  I wanted to ram the cow with my car and make him moo at me while I watched the replay.  Surprised experts didn’t assume this would cause an outbreak of such things in young drivers.  Moo.

Super Mario World – Animal disposal

Done with Yoshi, are ya?  Perfectly acceptable in the 16-bit Mushroom Kingdom to just ditch him in a hole.  What will this teach our children about how to treat a pet, especially since they ditch him in an effort to jump on turtles.

Dr. Mario – Playing with pills

Oh… wait… THIS ONE ACTUALLY HAPPENED.  In a video game magazine, too.  High five and three fistbumps payable to the comment that tells me which mag it was.

Okay… I’m spent on creativity now.  Lack of sleep for days will do that.  Your turn to come up with some.  Add them under this.  I will be checkin