Bitter Without Continues

No, thank you.

So we should talk about this thing. And guess what? I’m probably in the same boat as you.

Why the fuck do i want something in my house that has a camera that i can’t turn off?

No, seriously? SERIOUSLY. This is the first time in history that all big name developers are producing hardware that i just don’t give a shit about.

With the announcement of the Xbox One, i’m getting the promise of something that makes it easy to instantaneously switch from TV, to movie, back to game, ALL with the power of voice?

Guess what? I have that. It’s an INPUT BUTTON ON MY FUCKING REMOTE. SPEECH and WAVING is again, more involved than something already pre-established by the convenience of a single button press on a piece of plastic and circuits that’s been the status quo for years.


(Footage of the PS4 pending.)

The PS4 is cycling out the Start button, a staple of console since the NES, in favor of, get this. A SHARE BUTTON. A button that opens your gameplay experience to the entirety of the internet, in which comments, helpful advice, and general betterment from your peers will be encouraged in “a new immersive gameplay experience.”

Guess What? That helpful community that you’re hoping to outreach to in the great community you hope to branch out to is composed of the THE INTERNET. I don’t need to remind you that THAT IS FULL OF TROLLS AND ASSHOLES THAT CALL YOU A HOMOPHOBIC SLURS AND FOR NO VALID REASON. Good luck with your helpful, immersive experience there.


I have yet to prove the Wii U’s actual existence in a non-store environment, as i don’t think i know a single human being that actually owns one.

The Wii U, which has been out and perplexing Wii owners with new HD features, continues to offer a library of…well…..wait. You liked New SMB, right? How about another one? EA, the Clown Prince of Crime and Game Developers has gone as far to announce that they don’t even have any games in their labs cooked up for the console.

Guess What? It’s lackluster sales, in conjunction with it’s bizarre, stay the course, include your grandparents and your girlfriend “that doesn’t really play games” attitude marketing strategy, has completely backfired to where a legitimate advancement, coupled with the MILLIONS of dollars lost on the 3DS, suggest that Nintendo is in pretty deep shit.


Nothing is as (or had been) as exciting as a new console launch; the news, the speculation, and the hopes for the future. At least to me.

I love seeing the natural progression of technology becoming available for the average everybody in the form of consumer electronics.

I love the idea that, yes, with this simple, cumbersome $100-$200 device, i can play ARCADE style video games in my home, and then BETTER arcade style video games in my home, AND THEN be able to play MUSIC CDs that I’ve purchased from local music stores (remember that?) on the same system as the thing that I could play my copy of Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. But wait, here’s the kicker. IMAGINE A WORLD where I can watch REAL DVDs on my system! So on and so forth! We’re beginning the second decade of the 21st century.

With this level of progression, in retrospect, it’s easy to salivate at the very idea of what the future has in store for the game industry as youth, with our pictures of ridiculous VR sets, games that smell like war, or the advent of artificial intelligence so sophisticated that it’d serve as a decent, intelligent and adaptable adversary for things such as roleplaying games and so forth.

Nope. We get to wave at our TV to navigate. Oh, and hey, more CoD, with customizable dog and dog points. GET READY TO RANK UP YOUR DOG.

Video Games are almost infinitely accessible, superfluous, and playable on any device that’s powered by a lithium battery at this point. In fact, some of the greatest games for your buck right now are available inside of marketplaces at a fraction of the cost for major A-list titles. And when I mean anything, I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re not going to be able to buy a pair of Chuck Taylor All-Stars with the option to have a space for 4GB of memory in them and be able to play your emulated copy of Ocarina of Time off the side of your shoe. That’s more wishful thinking from THE CRAZY WORLD OF THE FUTURE.

But the thing is, is that consoles have mutated into this new animal that can’t even really classify them as a video game machine. They do more. They are multimedia boxes. In fact, out of my meager friendlist on 360 (joerocks1981, by the way) or PS3 (joerocks1981, by the way), there’s a good chance that I see the majority of my friends activity (another suspicious function) just sitting around, watching something on Netflix.

And with that, the fun and mystery of “new and incredible” is lost. Well, that and the fact that crappy game libraries and uninspired launch titles are the norm (except Watch Dogs. Watch Dogs looks like it’s going to be goddamn awesome.)—What does this mean?

Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. As with a hundred million other angry and concerned gamers on the net, I’ll take on the role of Chicken Little, and tell it how I sees it.


(well, not that bad, honestly.)

I do think that in order for the industry to thrive, it’s going to have to simplify itself. We, as a standard John/Jane Q. Fuckoff, are used to having devices that can function as forty other million devices to where we almost feel like Q (the bond Q, not the show up and annoy the Enterprise Q.) has financed our entire life with gimmicky gadgets. Everything is adaptable.

You will be able to read emails, check in to various locations (again, suspicious), find out what assholes on your friendlist are taking pictures of their food or going to what gym, and watch movies on nearly 95% of any electronic device you own.

What I want is a box. For games. The NES. It’s a box. For games.

All arguments end with this.

You put a game in it. You turn it on. It blinks. You take the cart out, blow on it, put it back in. It blinks. You take the cart out. Put some rubbing alcohol (sparingly. Read your warranty information in your instruction book) on it. Put it back in. And play your game.

If you don’t put a game in, you turn it on, and it’s like “Dude. Where’s the game?”. It doesn’t say “Would you like to watch FRINGE?” or remind you that your friend Dean has obviously left HIS NES on for the past 60 hours. It just does what it does. And what it does, is have it’s solitary function that you can endear.

Simplify, MAN!—There’s a point where new ideas, innovations, and improving on an existing formula can eventually plateau out, and the chances that, even when you’re just throwing in chips, cameras that don’t deactivate (SERIOUSLY?), isolating previous game libraries the prior system from being able to be played, removing the ability to play used games (SERIOUSLY?), so on and so forth, your buyer’s market is going to question why?

Aside from the fact that it’s not going to be replenished with any new ideas, why not play your old console? I mean, especially considering that your new console isn’t giving you anything you want except suspicious security features, restricting what you can play and who you buy from, and giving you a way to awkwardly talk to dead silence or wave around like an idiot as basic functionality.

Your NES still has Blaster Master. That game’s awesome.

Your SNES still has Zombies Ate My Neighbors. That game’s awesome.

Your Genesis still has the Streets of Rage series. Those games are awesome.

If your parents bought you a Sega CD instead of a Playstation one year for Christmas and you’re stuck with the stupid thing, it has Snatcher. THAT GAME is MEGAAWESOME.

Your Dreamcast still has Power Stone. That game’s awesome.

It’s news like this that makes looking backwards all the better.

Excuse me. I’m going to go play some Blaster Master, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, The Streets of Rage series, Snatcher, and probably some fucking Power Stone in that order.