Atari Poop

Atari Poop – Space Invaders

If you google Space Invaders and take a quick look around the Internet, you’ll figure out fairly quickly that this is the place I’m supposed to tell you that Space Invaders was a killer app before killer apps even existed, how it quadrupled sales of the 2600 upon its release, and how it was one of the most important games from the golden age. If you dig a little deeper, you might even find out that some people think the game was created by the American military to prepare young American children for the fight against aliens, or communists… I forget which.  Instead, this is the place were I tell you that the game is about Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses ringing your doorbell (a.k.a., invading you space) and how a few very sick people think they and other religious minorities should be murdered.

Space Invaders - Cart

Sure, the manual says something about invading aliens and having to destroy endless waves of them, but all that is just a metaphor… a metaphor of religious intolerance! Seriously, this game is nothing more than a veiled called for the annihilation of these two religious groups. First, the game portrays Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses as hideous aliens. They move up and down the neighbourhood streets (moving from left to right and back again in the game), ringing doorbells, interrupting meals, waking babies, delaying your watching of Two and a Half Men. I know, it’s terrible, but it doesn’t justify killing them.

Space Invaders - Screehshot

So, they move from side to side, coming closer and closer. Those things they “shoot”? Yeah, that’s just them trying to ring your doorbell. If these “bullets” happen to touch you, it means the game is over. You have to talk to them about Jesus and stuff. Big deal, we’ve all got that crazy aunt who’s way too religious for our comfort, but we don’t kill her for it. You can hide behind your “doorbell” (those three big… things), but they’ll eventually ring it so much they’ll break through or, when they get too close, the doorbells will disappear and you’ll be hearing all about your lord and saviour real soon. If that’s the case, what can you do? You could just answer the door and tell them you aren’t interested. You could also just talk to them. They’re not evil, you know. Finally, if you’re a sociopath, you could shoot them. You know, with bullets? Like the very real ones you can shoot in the game? The kind of bullets that, when they hit others, they die. That is your goal in this game. You get points for it. It’s sick.

Seriously, you'd shoot this guy? He's trying to give you a hug!

Seriously, you’d shoot this guy? He’s trying to give you a hug!

Now listen, I like Grand Theft Auto and running over pedestrians as much as the next guy (or girl), but I don’t drive around only hitting the Presbyterians. That would be messed up. I do specifically hit people in a rival gang, but that’s because they are also trying to kill me. I don’t kill people because of their race, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. That would be messed up. If you’re into that kind of shit, please let me know. I’d like to make sure I’m living as far away from you as possible.

Now, I’m not saying that if you liked this game, you’re a terrible person. It’s possible you didn’t “get it.” I’m not sure how, since it’s so obvious, but it’s possible. I guess I’m saying if you liked this game, you’re either really dense or the type of person that quite likely has a list of daycares you’re planning to firebomb. Oh, and before one of you brings it up in the comments, no, that is not a “Command Ship” that periodically flies across the top of the screen. That is very obviously a Doukhobor participating in a nude march in protest of the appalling treatment minority groups.