Atari Poop – The Game That Could Not Be Pooped
Listen, let me get something out of the way right from the start. This will not be a typical Atari Poop. Look, I tried, I really did: conspiracy theories, alternate realities, inspired by something stupid before it, inspired something ridiculous that came after it. I also had a list of random celebrities I could possibly shoehorn into the article, but alas, it’s like everything I threw at it just wouldn’t stick, like the game is Poop-proof! I tried to write an Atari Poop article on Pitfall!
When I said I really tried, I’m being 100% serious. A half-written article existed as a draft on 1 More Castle for nearly 6 months before I deleted it, and even that one had been started, stalled, partially written, rewritten, abandoned, and restarted numerous times. Finally, about a month ago, I gave up and deleted it.
At first, it was going to be about how the game caused some kind of madness in the children who played it that would slowly manifest itself and take full force in adulthood. I was going to use this video as a form of proof:
In case you’re blind and didn’t see the video’s title or recognize the kid at the beginning, that was Jack Black. So, yeah, my argument was basically going to be that playing Pitfall! as a kid, which he must’ve done since he was clearly old enough when it came out, is what made him the weird, crazy man that he is today. From there, I was going to claim that the game ruined the lives of hundreds of thousands of children throughout the world, simply because Jack Black was in a Pitfall! commercial and now he’s an actor known for strange, crazy roles and stuff. Yeah. I scrapped that idea fairly quickly.
Next, I thought I could work the fact that Bruce Campbell voiced Pitfall Harry in the PS1 remake of the game, thinking “I love Bruce Campbell, so…” It led me nowhere. Honestly, even Bruce Campbell couldn’t help me! It was the same with Steve Buscemi, Meatloaf, and Bono. No one could help me.
It was only then, once I hit rock bottom, that I realised it. Pitfall! is the game that cannot be Pooped. It’s the 2nd best selling game on the 2600 (2nd only to PAC Man, which sold well on hype, marketing, and the strength of its success in the arcades, not because it was regarded as any good), an all around great game, and one of the most important in the history of gaming. It just cannot be touched by the Poop. My endeavour was doomed to fail from the start. I could never win. The game is flawless… perfect…
… In fact, it’s almost too perfect. Like someone, or something went through a lot of trouble to make a game that would on day thwart my attempt to write a really terrible article that pushes the boundaries of bad taste about it. But, for that to be true… time travel would have to be involved!!!!!
SAVE ME STEVE BUSCEMI, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!