Gaming Soliloquy

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Shoddiness of Mediocrity


Upon sitting down one night with my highly inspired other half, I attempted the question:

“Honey, would you like to play a game?”

“Yes!”  She gleamed.

Danielle Face

As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life.


This was a satisfactory response to be sure.  But which game? Let’s just hypothesize that there was only ever one choice on this evening. The glint in her eye caught the seventy dollar prize that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist and that, was proverbially, that.


TMNT Title Gif

The turtles have always been a favored crew in the voyage of my youth and time has not dulled that weapon. Anything labeled with TMNT brings about epic bouts of ninja laden bad-assery. But it had been quite a span since my previous outing in the echelon of the abnormally awesome turtles. But how could this exploit in marital camaraderie possibly be shattered? Particularly on my much revered Sega Genesis?





My hopes for a rerun of the enjoyment found with my friends of the Chelonii order, were quickly dashed as the truth of our plight took hold. While the Genesis hardware was adept with “sounding” marvelous when treated with respect and passion, Konami shit the mattress on this junket. To say the sound quality is incompetent would be a lavish compliment delivered on a bed of wilted roses. Not only are some speech samples omitted (Turtles in Time has more), but the remaining “Cowabungas!” and “Let’s Kick Shells!” appear to have been registered through a microphone circa 1935. Picture World War 2 era ninja turtles, mutated via nuclear bomb, recording their voices via phonograph. The result? Unintelligible, scratchy gibberish. No matter, turtles need not speak anyway, right?





Sound insights aside, allow me to be blunt. Hyperstone Heist is no equivalent to the exceptional SNES classic: Turtles in Time. In point of fact, it would appear to be an insignificant offspring from a failed marriage of two superior precursors: the aforementioned Turtles in Time and the poorly aged TMNT 2. DNA from both coarse through the veins of Hyperstone, but instead of using the finer elements of these games, Hyperstone was saddled with Konami’s cutting room floor. Leftover concepts and lazy execution make for a dangerously tedious experience which ends with an abrupt and abbreviated defeat.





A half assed adventure, turtles beware, no time for a warning, what a bunch of hot air

Uninspired game play and levels galore, nonsensical environments, this game is a bore

Terrible sound and inexplicable design, let’s just be honest, this game is a crime

What were they thinking, who really knows what, all I can say is, they fell in a rut

Even the new movie, where the turtles have “lips”, Michael Bay is a travesty, but it MUST be better than this

Do yourself a favor, ignore this measly slime, spend the sixty dollars and just buy Turtles in Time


Shell Shock