My Two Gils’ A Gaming Carol
‘Twas the night before a week before Christmas. The year was coming to an end, but no happiness to be found, no joy to pretend. A year of controversy, a year of irrelevance; a fall back of the industry, when you take a first glance.
I sat in my office chair, ready to burst. Is there anything left to repair or has gaming become cursed? Debating frames per seconds at 1080p, a gamer is starting to look a lot like a harpy. I’m glad I never acted this way, exemplary behavior, if I might say. With that in mind, I feel no need to be kind. Whatever modern games attempt, they’ll be greeted by my feeling of contempt. Continue to put “fanboyism” over any kind of criticism. Throw your money away, no matter what you really say. A boycott is fine, only if you apply what you say online. Modern gaming, more like modern failing. As Christmas rolls in, I’ll be here, laughin’.
Mysterious voice: You really think you are above all this?
Jonathan: Who are you?
Ghost of Gaming Past: I am the ghost of gaming’s past! I’m here to show you how your gaming life really was when you began! Come with me! Do you remember this?
Jonathan: Of course, it’s me, at my friend’s house. Why do I look so annoyed?
Ghost of Gaming Past: You’ll see.
Little Jon: Can we stop playing this stupid game now? This is stupid. The Sega Genesis is stupid. The music is stupid. Why are we not playing with my Super Nintendo?
Jon’s friend: But… it has blast processing and… Sonic and…
Little Jon: Sonic is an idiot. I bet he loves girls. Ewwww…
Jon’s friend: But, Mortal Kombat has blood and there are super adult games.
Little Jon: What? My Super Nintendo has a lot of games full of text, because they’re super mature and stuff. That’s it, I’m leaving. You’re not cool enough with your Sega.
Jonathan: Wow. Was I really that mean? I mean, the Genesis sucks, but I didn’t have to be so truthful.
Ghost of Gaming Past: We’re not done yet. Fast forward a couple of years, to the release of…
Jonathan: The N64… I was super disappointed that my parents bought me a Playstation instead. I was really jealous of my friend.
Jon’s Friend: Look, I got the N64. It’s got 64 bits, so it’s super cool.
Slightly less little Jon: Bits mean nothing, I like my Playstation, it’s a CD, not a stupid cartridge.
Jon’s Friend: Well, I won’t let you play then.
Slightly less little Jon: Oh yeah? Well you won’t play my Virtual Boy when I get it!
Jonathan: I really wanted that Virtual Boy and was really mad my parents didn’t get it.
Ghost of Gaming Past: You were a needy child, like many at the time. We have one last stop. Do you remember this?
Jonathan: Yes… I think it was 5 years ago, at the well. Or was it before that?
Ghost of Gaming Past : That girl could’ve been the love of your life, but you ridiculed her because she only played Snake on her Nokia and Minesweeper. This is you, Jonathan. Despite what you think, you had dark days in your gaming past.
Jonathan: Hmph. Maybe I did, but I was young and careless. I don’t do this stuff anymore.
Ghost of Gaming Past: Really?
Jonathan: Wait, where are you going?
Mysterious voice #2: So you think that condescending attitude was only in your gaming past, don’t you?
Jonathan: Let me guess, Ghost of gaming present?
Ghost of Gaming Present: Good guess. With how vague your memory of “A Christmas Carol” is, I was scared you’d mix me up with Donald Duck.
Jonathan: Very funny. Are you always this sarcastic?
Ghost of Gaming Present: Only when I’m inspired by the powerful emotions brought forth from the lack of your understanding of basic poetry.
Jonathan: *sigh* What are you here to show me?
Ghost of Gaming Present: Your Twitter feed, your blogs. Everything really. You’re telling me you don’t spend quantifiable time bashing other people’s nostalgia to feel better? You’ve been teasing that guy for his love of Zelda II, but aren’t you just jealous that he can beat it and you can’t?
Ghost of Gaming Present: What about that retro gaming credibility guide? Are you not hiding your own lack of gaming knowledge? And when was the last time you gave a chance to mobile gaming?
Ghost of Gaming Present: You’re not better than these other gamers, you just don’t have the money to spend on the new innovations, so you’re bashing them altogether. They’re not all bad and you know it.
Jonathan: But all that DLC and glitches, can it really be good?
Ghost of Gaming Present: Think back, when in your youth of gaming was an expansion or a glitch bad? Was Missingno bad? Was Lord of Destruction bad?
Jonathan: Um… I…
Ghost of Gaming Present: What does your future hold? You’re going to turn in a stubborn old man if you don’t change your ways… You’re a shell of a gamer hiding behind a keyboard, just like you imagine all the others. Are you even listening to me?
Jonathan: Oh, sorry. You just made me think of the future and now I’m just excited to see the Ghost of Gaming future.
Ghost of Gaming Future: You’re excited to see me? You won’t be once you see what I’m going to show you!
Jonathan: You’re… Blinky?
Ghost of Gaming Future: I am Blinky REMASTERED! Come, take a look at your future!
Jonathan: Is that me? And the kid… is he mine?
Ghost of Gaming Future: Yes. I’m afraid your disapproval of the Kinect, despite the progress it made, might not have helped you keep in shape.
Jon’s kid: Why did you get me the Nintendo console, dad? They’re for kids! I’m almost 8, why can’t I play Call of Duty like all of my friends?
Fat Old Jon: Well, son, I wanted to play the latest Smash. You need to learn how to share.
Jon’s kid: You’re just a fanboy! I bet Nintendo will go bankrupt like all the news site are saying it will. It doesn’t even support Oculus Rift! It only has 15 processors!
Fat Old Jon: The processors mean nothing! That’s very immature of you young man, go to your room to play with the Amiibos I bought you!
Ghost of Gaming Future: Do you see where your attitude leads you? If you change now, maybe you’ll know better than to force your views on…
Jonathan: Wait. I think I understand. You’re telling me petty debates have always occurred? That we talked about technical specifications we didn’t understand as kids and sometimes praised or utterly destroyed progress that seemed disruptive for the entire gaming medium. We sometimes bullied people who didn’t have the same console preference as we did. We discriminated against certain games and classified them as casual, despite the difference in semantic. We encouraged gimmicks and false innovation. Nonetheless, gaming has survived, progressed and will continue to until the end of time with all these issues repeating themselves every few generation?
Ghost of Gaming Future: No, we’re trying to tell you that you’re kind of a dick.
Am I really such a dick? Always thought I was pretty slick. I’m sorry not to consider your opinion, mate. Haters are gonna hate.