GMZ #2-6 – Yoshi, Nerds, & Cosby
Who’s Yoshi Eating Now?
By Jugem Lakitu
It appears Yoshi’s legal troubles continued this week. After being released on bail several days ago after being arrested and charged with several counts of murder and cannibalism, the green dino laid low for a few days before going on what police are calling a murderous rampage, allegedly eating two witnesses, one of the lawyers for the prosecution, and the reporter who wrote the story we broke about his arrest two weeks ago. He was arrested again at the house of his long-time friend Mario. It is alleged that he was going to try to eat him as well.
Neighbours say they heard a commotion at the Mario house and called the police. One person said he was in his garage cooking crystal fire flowers at the time. He says he saw Yoshi swallowing everything in the yard and spitting it at the door and windows in an attempt to get inside Mario’s house. He also says Yoshi was screaming all kinds of things like “You’re a backstabbing asshole!!,” “I’ve got a tonne of shit on you too, you goddamned pervert! How could you say those things about me?,” and “I’m gonna murder you like you made me murder all those half-Koopa bastards your cheating girlfriend had.”
Why Bill Cosby has Never Licenced a Videogame
Princess Daisy and Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom have come forward to state that, they too have been sexually mistreated by Bill Cosby. At the time, Peach and Daisy worked for Caesars Palace in Las Vegas as wait staff members. While working the roulette tables; they spotted the rising star, Bill Cosby.
“Bill, at first, was remarkably charming,” said Peach. She continued, “He would ask engaging questions about Daisy, me, and the Mushroom Kingdom. He would also tip us a bunch of gold coins. Way more than Mario would when he came into the VIP lounge.”
GMZ learned while interviewing Daisy and Peach, Cosby’s initial attempts of seduction, were thinly veiled at best. He would use his voice talents mixed with catcalls. Peach impersonated Cosby to demonstrate one of his catcalls: “Hey Hey Hey, Ya’ll got a fine ass. I’d like to introduce it to my Fat Albert.”
“He would have offered us quality ‘shrooms, but he ate them like they were dried banana chips at the roulette table!” said Daisy. She continued, “The lounge allowed the drug abuse because he was VIP; high rollers would get away with anything.”
According to Peach and Daisy, they could end their shift as soon as Cosby checked back into his hotel room. Annoyed by his current behavior, the two women would entice Bill to go back to his room.
“He pressed the wrong button in the elevator, forcing us to walk up a flight of stairs. Peach had to help him with his zipper otherwise he would’ve pissed himself in the stairwell. Then he had the nerve to waive his wiener around while yelling, ‘who would like some of my puddin’ pop!,’” said a still annoyed Princess Daisy.
When they left him at his room, they described Cosby as a jumbled, desperate mess. They said that as they walked away, he blurted “Cosby video game.” Purely out of interest in the unknown game, the inquisitive women went with Bill into his room.
“It was a lame text life simulator. There were several screens filled with descriptions of Koos Van Den Akker sweaters.” said Peach. Daisy Continued, “You were forced to play as a fictional Huxtable family, it was a like reading a friggin’ tv show on a Franklin Ace 100 computer!”
The two women described to GMZ what had occurred while they were in his room. They would giggle at and criticize Cosby’s game. In the process, they lost track of time and Cosby. The two women said when they looked over the computer screen they found a naked, semi-flaccid, crying Cosby in bed. They immediately left confused and scared.
Cosby, clearly scorned by the two, would never release his video game.
When Nerds React – Video Game Company Announces HD Version of Old Game
By Walter Kryptonite
A video game company announced today that it will be releasing, or rather rereleasing, their classic video game. Fans of the game quickly took to social media to heap praise upon the company and share their excitement. Some could barely contain themselves and just spouted gibberish for what seemed like hours.
Last RT: Yes yes yes yes yes yes. #yes
— Jonathan Higgins (@radicaldefect) 3 Décembre 2014
Meanwhile, it took next to no time for more people to jumpt on the hate bandwagon, criticizing the move as a greedy cash grab and mocking the console on which it is being released for having no real or new games, claiming that it has to rely on its older games to pad its selection. They also called out the people who approved of the impending rerelease, calling them fanboys and fangirls. The fanboys and fangirls then turned the tables and accused the haters of the exact same thing, since most of them were tweeting and Facebook statusing with glee when their favoured console announced the HD version of another classic video game. Fans of a third console mocked both and acted superior to all of them, which made the until-then enemies join forces and attack the third group based on their console’s poor sales.
At was at this point that PC gamers stepped in, noting that the version of some different game has better graphics on PC. This united the console gamers, who proceeded to list games that will not be getting released on PC. PC gamers decided to divide and conquer by noting that many of those games will not be released on one of the consoles either.. Non-gaming nerds simply watched, shook their heads, and wondered why gamers don’t spend more doing on constructive things. Gamers decided to attack those people based on their strange and confusing hobbies like reading comic books, and watching anime, sports, and science fiction and fantasy TV shows.
Non-nerds everywhere were heard to collectively and audibly sigh: “Fucking nerds.”