The Retro Critic

BARBIE

Yes. Barbie.

This is what happens when you poke around the depths of the NES catalogue looking for something nice and lame to play/review.

Now I’m no Barbie connoisseur but I’ve played quite a few retro games, as you know, so I should be able to play that one and judge it on its merits as a game at least without knocking the beloved doll and breaking some of 1MoreCastle’s Barbie fanatics‘ little hearts. [ Editor’s Note: My heart may be little, but it is also rock hard and ice cold. Bring it on, silly man. — E. ]

Here we go.

Wait wait wait…

Wait a minute.

From the top, please. I’m lost already.

Why is Barbie a mermaid?

Right.

…

Wait…

Ok, I get it. The whole game is a dream.

The dream of an inanimate blonde puppet.

So basically it’s Bart’s Nightmare if Bart had loads of shoes and very little imagination.

Ok, where do I start?

Look at this title screen:

Already you know that this game is not going to try, like, at all. This looks like Barbie’s ghost! Or one of those terrifying mermaids from the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie. I mean, seriously, THIS is what you’re starting the game with? A barely recognizable pixelated specter of your title character? Alright…

The plot of the game is laughable, think Inception meets your sister’s closet.

Barbie dreams of going to some ball but she’s got nothing to wear so the whole game is basically her shopping for stuff. In her mind. For you see, if she doesn’t pick up the right accessories and packs her bracelet full of gems and whatnot, Ken’s not gonna be interested. Because that’s what puppet men care about: bracelets. So not only is Barbie having THE most boring dream in the world… I mean, I imagine she gets invited to glamorous balls (very mature, people) all the time in the “real” world, otherwise what’s with all the dresses? But on top of that, she has to worry about what to wear even then? And don’t tell me she enjoys dreaming of all that stuff: Everything’s trying to attack her! Tennis raquets, beach balls, you name it.

Thankfully, she has helpful… pets around to fight her battles for her.

I’m using the term “battle” very lightly. One of the bosses you get to fight is a laundry chute. Or a little door of some kind. I mean, I get this game is aimed at very young players but… come on. Was there ever a line of evil Barbie dolls or Barbie villains? If not then I’m not sure I get the whole fascination with that character.

Where’s the conflict? What does she do all day?

But I digress.

The game gets you to go through a bunch of different worlds (well, a mall, mostly) picking up whatever you can along the way and avoiding projectiles. It’s all pretty unimaginative, in terms of graphics anyway.

You’re in the Sports section?

Baseballs!

You’re in the Toys section?

Bears!

You’re in the Boutique?

Um…

Flowers?

Whatever, just keep walking right. It’ll be over soon.

Except no, it’ll never be over because this game is WAY harder than it should be! The stuff you’re meant to avoid and the stuff you’re meant to figure out sometimes, with controls as stiff as these, is absurd. Because not only are you controlling an annoyingly tall plastic gal but she’s about as flexible as the actual doll she’s representing. Which means jumping around without getting a face full of these…

… is no picnic.

Luckily Toucan Sam and a whole plethora of animals are here to help.

Thanks again Sonic for freeing all those pests from Robotnik’s clutches. Barbie owes you a chili dog.

Hm, come to think of it, Tails would make one hell of a fur coat…

But I digress, once again.

Believe it or not, Underwater World is when things start to actually get weird. Suddenly you’re in a Little Mermaid B movie: You’re a fish-woman frolicking with perverted dolphins looking for an oyster… I don’t know. To complete a pearl necklace I guess. What drives me nuts in those levels is Barbie herself: She can only face directly right or directly left so when you switch from one side to the other it just doesn’t look right, like 10 frames are missing from the animation.

Alright, I should mention the music.

My. God. Is it bad.

This isn’t so much music as it is 8-bit diarrhea. It’s loud, it’s all-over-the-place, there’s no melody to it, it’s frankly unpleasant. And the obnoxious sound effects don’t help at all: Jumping becomes THE most annoying thing you could do in this game, just because of that irritating, high-pitched squeal you get every single time you do it. The gameplay reminds me a bit of Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout, it’s a complete mess and really lacks fluidity. That said, Barbie is slightly worse in that respect so you can imagine…

There’s a 50’s diner level where, for some reason, you’re 4 inches tall and you’re surrounded by giant ketchup, giant fries and giant sodas. Is she meant to be the actual doll at this point? Whatever, soon after she’s INSIDE a jukebox jumping on musical notes collecting tiny records so I’m just going to have to accept how surreal this whole Barbie universe is. After all, the game ends with Barbie using the records to make a staircase which leads up to, wait for it, a pair of sparkly high heels.

I do like how lame the animation is as Barbie approaches Ken right at the end, though. She’s not even walking, she just floats super-slowly towards him, furthering my theory that Barbie isn’t dreaming but in fact has died and is haunting malls all over the world, fighting off various demons with her pet minions.

Think about it: Does she ever wake up?

I wonder how the conversation actually went at the ball, though.

“Hey Barbie, how was your day?”

“Hey Ken, I rode a bird!”

“A bird? You mean like a ‘bird’ bird?”

“Dolphin Pete says ‘hey'”

“Barbie… Pete and I are…”

*Barbie wakes up in a pool of her own vomit*

Anyway, enough Barbie-bashing. How does the game hold up?

Not well, shockingly!

By NES standards this is not a fun and rewarding game to play, to say the least. The controls are slow and flawed, the whole game is a lazy, pixelated mess as far as visuals are concerned and your ears won’t have the best of times either. This just feels like a cash-in and unless you’re a die hard Barbie fan, which, if you’re an adult, is frightening at best, then you might want to not put yourself through it. If you’re a little kid and you’re reading this review hoping to find out about an awesome Barbie game, then…

Really?

Go play with your doll! Whatever you can come up with in your own mind will be far better than this.

Although…

Hm…