Atari Poop

Atari Poop – I Want My Mommy

Well, if the title doesn’t automatically convince you that this game is 100% wholesome, then the box art certainly will:

 

To be honest, I’m not even sure why I felt this game was worthy of an article. There’s nothing objectionable about it. The creators didn’t all commit suicide for unexplained reasons after its release. No one from the C.I.A. inserted subliminal images to brainwash the people who played it. Even the instruction manual is perfectly suited for children. Hell, it’s even written in a way to make it sound like it’s addressed to a 6-year-old. Here, have a look at what I mean:

On the T.V. screen you can see how many tries Teddy has left. If there’s one picture of Teddy, you have one try left. If there are three pictures of Teddy, you have three tries left. Get it?

 

You also have a kiss from Mommy to help you when you’re in trouble. It’s the little colored block floating around. If you make Teddy run into it, he’ll become strong enough to hit those mean dream demons, and knock them out.

 So, this is obviously a game for children, right? I mean, there couldn’t be anything offensive in a game starring a character named Teddy who’s had a nightmare and just wants to find his mommy? There’s nothing wrong with Teddy needing to set up “dream ladders” and avoid the nasty “dream demons” who will send him tumbling down, that is, unless Teddy catches one of mommy’s kisses, which make him strong enough to knock out the “dream demons” … I think. Plus, the game only has two levels, one where you climb up to an apple (apples are wholesome, unless you’re allergic to them, I suppose) and a second where Mommy is at the top. So yeah, everything is perfectly legit. Nothing to see here folks. Move along. Sorry to waste your time. See you next week.

 

 

What? You’re still here?

 

 

 

You’d like to see what the game looks like? Well, I suppose I can do that, but there’s really not much point.  If you insist, here’s a screenshot of both levels:

Ok, so on second thought, maybe I do need to clear a few things up. Those grey rectangles on the floor aren’t “boner pills” that help you create magic “boner ladders.” Can’t you see that the “dream demons” in the first level are just young women with pig tails wearing skirts? WHAT? That was part of what made you think they WERE “boner pills”?! What is wrong with you? And no, pointing out that as soon as you climb one of these “ladders” the girl immediately runs after you while flailing her arms does not reinforce your theory. Also, the worm in that apple is not a metaphor for the game representing something that looks good or wholesome actually being rotten or spoiled in reality. It just doesn’t.

Moving on, in the second level… WHAT? No. The dream demons do not look like pixellated venereal diseases in this level and they most definitely were not named Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and Herpes in an early version of the instruction manual. I will, however, accept that “mommy” sure looks a lot like Lisa Simpson, but I don’t think Matt Groening is going to get sued.

If anyone deserved to get sued, it was ZiMAG, the company who made this game. Other than making mediocre 2600 games, the company was a brand used by their parent company to sell blank audio cassettes, VHS cassettes, and floppy disks. I even found the paperwork for the trademark filing:

As you can see, this proves that Zimag was a brand created for evil. Other than a handful of video games, all their products’s sole potential use is for the piracy of other media. No wonder the music, television, and computer video game/software industries were completely destroyed back in the 80s. Damn piracy! As a result, I’ve edited the box art to make it more reflective of this information.