The Retro Critic

The Goonies II

You knew I’d get to this one eventually.

I mean, how could I pass up the chance to joke about a game sequel to a movie which doesn’t actually have a sequel?

It’s goofy, it’s confusing, it’s NES: it’s perfect.

The Goonies II is a sequel to a Goonies Famicom game and follows Mikey on a ridiculous quest to rescue his friends from the Fratellis and… a mermaid.

Best. Sequel. Ever.

Seriously, why haven’t they made this yet?!

I had to sit through TWO half-baked Lost Boys sequels and The Goonies II doesn’t exist?

Unfair.

The game is a platformer where you side-scroll around, enter rooms and go into some sort of POV first-person mode to explore and pick up various items. You go through several locations, some of them more or less logical in the Goonies universe…

Some of them not.

Yes, those are penguins.

Walruses also get in the way.

Hm, come to think of it, this Goonies sequel, if it was made today, would be nothing but CGI. CGI penguins, CGI walruses, CGI mermaids…

CGI snakes…

CGI giant scorpions…

Basically The Goonies II would be less Goonies and more Clash Of The Titans, it seems. It would miss the whole point but it would be tons of mediocre fun.

Some of the rooms your character enters throughout the game are odd.

Some just kinda give you things:

Others are shockingly covered in blood:

(“magic”?!)

Some have rude little men in them who tell you off just for walking in:

So rude.

Oh, and some rooms have MOSES.

Not even kidding.

He’s this game’s equivalent of that “our princess is in another castle” dude.

At least he’s useful, though.

I’m not convinced that this game was always meant to be a Goonies game, to be honest. It’s much too surreal for something that should have been relatively straight forward. As its own thing, though, it’s really repetitive but I’ve played much worse.

There aren’t so much levels as there are different locations and apart from that bridge bit:

And the obligatory water level:

Where… you inexplicably turn into a duck…

It’s pretty visually unimpressive.

The side-scrolling part of the game works fine but the first-person stuff can be a little confusing. Especially when you check out your own map and items:

I don’t get this crossword puzzle at all, by the way.

Cool shoes, though.

Only one person could potentially save this game…

Captain Konami? Is that you?!

*swoons*

Wait, what you said sounds kinda dirty…

I’ll take it!

Man, Captain Konami is so much better than Ambassador Konami (also in this game, by the way).

Come to think of it… Konami seem to be REALLY proud of this  game.

Wow.

That’s a dull ending.

I expected better from you, Konami.

Theeeeeere it is.

I knew they’d make a “splash” somehow!

(bad mermaid joke)

Call me Mike.

Anyway, the game ends with the dastardly Fratellis being defeated, the mermaid and your friends being rescued and…

This guy talking to you through some TV.

Honestly, if this had been an actual Goonies sequel, it would have been laughed out of the theatres. The mermaid, the CGI animals, the fact that the Goonies don’t actually do anything except get rescued by one of them during the entire thing…

This would have made Splash Too look good…

Still, as a game, it’s not the worst I’ve played. The mix of first-person and side-scrolling is pretty creative and, for the most part, it’s entertaining enough. I wouldn’t go out of my way to play it but if you find it lying around in a second-hand store, I’d pick it up just to freak people out by telling them The Goonies II exists.

And you own it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go: I have a fire box to open.

I wonder what’s in it…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!