GMZ

GMZ #6 – Porno, Powerade, Indecent Exposure, and Alex Kidd

Super Mario Bros. Super Show was Almost a Porno?

By Jeremy Holmes

Recently uncovered documents related to the show seem to hint that some episodes’ scripts, the first one in particular, were simply rewritten scripts from unfilmed pornos. Both Nintendo and Mario are denying the allegations, though the evidence seems damning. One of our inside sources, under condition of anonymity, had this to say: “Just look at that first episode. Nicole Eggert from Baywatch shows up. Mario and Luigi tell her they watch her show all the time. Next, she tells them she has a plumbing problem and needs their help. The two guys then show her how good they are at unclogging pipes and the whole thing finishes with the money shot: Nicole gets sprayed all over her face.”

So, was the Super Mario Bros. Super Show’s scripts really written for porno? You decide (jump to the 01:29 mark in the video):

“Bionic” Lester Recloose Gets Powerade Sponsorship

by Edward “Aggro Eddie” Merman

“Bionic” Lester Recloose, professional skateboarder, former video game star, and son of former pro-skater Rodney Recloose, announced yesterday that he received a sponsorship from sports drink, Powerade. Recloose will appear in three ads for Powerade in the coming year, and will sport their merchandise to his competitions.

Powerade will, in turn, be creating a special limited flavor of their drink named “Bionic Blast” in celebration of their sponsorship with Lester. The flavor is expected to premier next summer, and will supposedly have a guava and acai mix taste. Lester will be competing in the 27th annual California Games (both Street and Vert events) in March of 2014.

 

Link Sexual Harassment Arraignment Held Today

By Anita Faludi

The formal charges were read against the Hero of Time, Light, Darkness, Men, Legend, and now, it appears, Groping. Link appeared uninterested in the proceedings until some of the specifics began getting mentioned, at which point he began loudly indignant and had to be restrained by his attorneys. Allegations of peeping, groping, sending unwanted explicitly sexual messages, harassment, indecent exposure, and intimidation were outlined.

 Outside the courthouse, a defiant Link spoke to the throng of reporters. Explaining that it’s just a huge misunderstanding and that he would like to apologize. Link then looked directly into our camera and said this:

As soon as we first broke the story two weeks ago, people were already coming forward to attack and defend Link. Here are a few we’ve received:

As you can see, some seem not too surprised that Link might be capable of this kind of behaviour, while others took a sadly typically misogynistic point of view and blamed Peach herself. Clearly, people are already aligning themselves into one of the two sides despite the fact that none of the evidence is known to them. We are surely only days away from someone trying to cash in on all of this with “Team Peach” and “Team Link” t-shirts and other products.

 

Kidd on his 15 Minutes of Fame

By B. Hatcher

Alexander M. Kidd, former Sega Mascot, recently resurfaced after living in hiding for the past decade. He held an online Q&A , where he answers questions from fans and critics alike in the chat. When questioned about Sonic, Kidd went on to reveal some dark secrets about his former Sega colleague.

“I remember when Sonic first came on the scene, that shit was pretty sweet. After his first game, we were both still pretty popular, and I showed Sonic the celebrity life. I remember one time, at Dug’s Christmas party, me and the S-Man got so majorly fucked up off spiked eggnog, he and I got naked and raced down the street in the freezing snow. To nobody’s surprise, he won, but not without the nog causing a few collisions, hehe. Next thing I remember, I woke up two days later in the bathroom of Sonson’s New York apartment with Sonic and Pauline, and I have my elbow tied and an empty syringe in my hand. That was some wild shit.”

Years later, Kidd says he feels no remorse for the days of the fast and hard life. He is still a habitual user of Marijuana, LSD, Methamphetamine, and Heroin. He currently lives in a run-down communal house in New Jersey, and works part time at a local gas station. When asked if he mourns for his lost career, Alex’s tone switched from nostalgia to defensive anger.

“Ya know, those Sega reps were always hacks anyway. They said they wanted a ‘new’ and ‘edgy’ mascot, that’s why they hired the damn Hedgehog with red shoes! But when I start living my life the way I want, when I do me, they decide it’s time to drop me! Yet, years later they get posers like Shadow to be “edgy” for them, and they still can’t handle me! Well fuck them! Their loss! I’m better off without them! Look at the joke they’ve become, eh? I’m fine on my own.”

Kidd says he isn’t against the idea of starring in more games, but also claims that he refuses to compromise his indulgent lifestyle for future projects. Kidd ended the Q&A when one of his house-mates smashed a vodka bottle against the wall, and Kidd was forced to turn off the stream and deal with the situation. He has, since then, taken limited interviews with the press.