GMZ #9 – Samus Sex Tape, Q*Bert & the KKK, Link Case Update

Samus Sex-Tape

By Brian Mather

Famed bounty hunter and world defender, Samus Aran, is in for a shake up. Two days ago, a virally leaked sex tape starring the youthful blonde began circulating around all corners of the net. Celebrity sex tapes are nothing new, but what shocked the public is her “co-star”: Ridley, a leader of the Space Pirates, and Aran’s long time nemesis. “I am severely disappointed by this incident. But, Samus is an adult, and who she brings home is her business,” stated long time friend of Aran, Princess Daisy, of Mario Land fame.

A spokesperson for Aran made a press statement about the video this morning. “Samus is very upset and traumatized by the events that have transpired these last few days. This blatant invasion of her private life, and the following accusations about the nature of her and Ridley’s relationship, are causing acute emotional distress. I hope the media are happy with themselves. Assholes.”

(Screenshot of the video available HERE, thanks to Kreschun)

In contrast, Ridley himself appeared on Howard Stern’s show this afternoon, in which he argued, “I fight and I fuck. That’s what I do. Don’t matter who with.” When questioned by Stern if the incident was isolated, Ridley responded, “It probably won’t happen again, but if it was possible, I wouldn’t mind calling up Krieg and having ourselves a spitroast.”

Q*Bert and the Ku Klux Konspiracy

By Reynold Farley

Last issue, we reported on Q*Bert’s association with the Ku Klux Klan, Neo Nazis, and the white supremacist movement. After our last interview with him was cut short, we decided to further investigate Q*Bert’s ties to the racially charged domestic terrorists. It all began when a source of ours tipped us off that Q*bert had been sighted in Crenshaw, Mississippi. We sent a team down to the city, and soon spotted the bright orange drug addict turned white supremacist. After watching Q*Bert get into a white van and head off on the highway, our own van followed him for 3 hours into the back woods of Mississippi, where he turned on a dirt road and into a clearing, and where our team saw one of the most extraordinary events GMZ has ever reported.
Attending the rally were masses of celebrities and leaders, including Bill O’Reilly, Pope Francis, and Eminem. The leader of ceremony was none other than former U.S. President (and alleged assassination victim) John F. Kennedy. The celebrities openly mixed with each other and socialized. Then, all got quiet as JFK began the meeting’s business. The first order of business was a short celebratory remark about the recent death of Family Feud host, Steve Harvey, followed by applause. Second order began with an inflammatory rant by Kennedy, criticizing President Obama and accused the president’s birth certificate of being false. Third was a speech by King Dedede and Duke Nukem complaining about all the babes being taken by dirty, round, pink immigrants. It was at this moment that some of the Klan’s members spotted our team, who was forced to flee on foot, back to the vehicle parked on the side of the road, and then head back to GMZ HQ, for fear that remaining in Mississippi was unsafe.
Two days after returning, our Senior Editor, Favallah Thompson, received a letter from the Mississippi KKK. The letter was essentially a manifesto, listing all of the people and organizations they consider their enemies, which includes GMZ. We would like to point out that GMZ does not consider it its mission to confront racist organizations. We have better things to do, like make fun of all the spelling and grammar mistakes in their letters, you bass ackward hicks.

Link to the Jail?

By Monty Blancmange

Many female video game stars have taken the stand as character witnesses and all have shared their own, personal stories of Link’s depravity. Legal documents obtained by GMZ show that Pauline, Samus Aran, Lara Croft, Tifa Lockhart, Ada Wong, Ms Pac-Man, Dixie Kong, and Kitana have taken or will take the stand in the trial where Link faces many accusations of sexual misconduct. According to transcripts, not a single woman has had anything positive to say about him. Their stories range from inappropriate comments and messages, to unwanted touching or groping and indecent exposure.


Meanwhile, despite the damning testimony, when questioned outside the courthouse, Link remains defiant, saying he’s not too worried, and claims he’s been busy working on an album to keep his mind off things. No word yet on the genre.


Nintendo Paid Sega to Make Terrible Sonic the Hedgehog Games

By Walter Kryptonite

In light of the recent spate of news exposing some less than ethical practices in the gaming world, maybe no one should be surprised by what we have discovered. This is much worse than the “stealth marketting” (or more accurately “payed shilling” or “corporate whoring”) debacle where Microsoft payed Youtubers to mention the XboxOne, or when Sony gave millions of dollars to the Catholic Church to have them name Ken Kutaragi the patron saint of video games. GMZ is in possession of documents that clearly show Nintendo has been transferring money to Sega FOR YEARS. In exchange, Sega promised to simply do one thing: only make terrible Sonic the Hedgehog games.

The documents only date back to 2001, in time to cover Sonic Adventure 2, but many are already arguing that the deal must have been struck as early as 1996 in order to explain Sonic 3D Blast and the original Sonic Adventure. If you can read Japanese, here’s one of the documents in question. We circled the important section.

Nintendo Letter