GMZ

GMZ #8 – PeTA, Q*Bert, Sex Toy Peripherals, & Family Feud

Frustrated PeTA Decides to Lash Out at the Past

By Anne Neemal

Did you hear about PeTA’s new game? Yeah, didn’t think so, but you might be interested.

It appears PeTA thinks they have a problem staying relevant and in gamers’ faces. Not enough new games that treat animals unethically are being made for PeTA to stay in the headlines. Luckily, they seem to have found a perfect solution: looking to the past. So, that’s where they went, way back to the past, and their first target is Joust, since it is apparently unethical to use some bizarre form of giant, flying emus/ostriches in arena-style battle-to-the-death joust matches.

They’ve even made a Flash game for their campaign, which, despite the fact that it’s a Flash game made by PeTA for a pretty ridiculous reason, is rather fun. You get to fly around as the giant emu-beast in a large, densely populated city and just crush a tonne of humans and cars and knock over buildings. You can also “launch” eggs, which are inexplicably, but also awesomely, explosive. I didn’t really get the point, but the result is more fun than going on a tank rampage in any Grand Theft Auto game. If anything though, the spoof is counterproductive. It only makes me wish even more that I could fly around on a giant bird and murder all who oppose me. This is likely precisely the reason the game was taken down not long after. We did manage to get this screenshot.

Joust - PeTA

Q*Bert Becomes a Neo Nazi

By Nathalie Zie

You may remember the former gaming star making headlines several months ago when he was arrested for possesion of illicit drugs. Well, he’s back, and while he claims the “nose dildos” belonged to a friend, he’s owned up to his drug abusing past and claims he’s clean now, all thanks to “my great group of new friends.”

Q*Bert claims he was in a really bad place when a member of a local neighbourhood watch organisation came to his door with a pamphlet.

Pretty nail polish

“I understand now that a lot of the things I went through weren’t my fault. These damn immigrants started showing up, stealing jobs in the gaming industry, and everywhere else. My new friends have made me realise that these foreigners, but not only them, Jews, homosexuals, and Obama also, are to blame for all the hardships my friends, myself, and much of America have suffered. None of our problems are our fault.”

Qbertler

Editor’s note: It’s at this point that Q*Bert was asked if being born on Q*Dina would make him a foreigner. He immediately declared the interview over and stormed off while several of his new and very large friends broke our photographers camera.

“Wiintimate” – A new line of 1st party, sex-related Wii and Wii U peripherals announced

by D. L. Dough

After the leak of the Nintendo Fusion’s prototype last week, Nintendo announced a new line of sexual peripherals for the Wii Remote, that are compatible with both the Wii and Wii U, and are already available in Japan and Europe, and will come to North America soon. The peripherals include a Phallic attachment (“Wiildo”), a vibration unit (“Wiibrator”), gyrating balls (“Ben Wii Balls”), and a fist shaped extension (“Mac’s Glove”). Many analysts see this as a way to boost the Wii U’s dropping sales until the Fusion can be released, while others see it as an attempt by Nintendo to cash in on the already existing Japanese eroge market, as well as exploiting the Scandinavian “electronic sex” trend. Tord Velestin of “Hot Watts” writes, “Nintendo’s new line of fuckable peripherals provides a budget option for those who don’t want to invest in their own special machinery, and already own a Nintendo console.”
 Layout 1
Here at GMZ, after selecting from a long list of volunteers, we enlisted our intern Clarise and our copy boy Brian, and we can report that the peripherals are compatible with the Fusion prototype, and will likely function with the consumer model upon release. And if our office’s reaction is any indication, Nintendo should prepare itself for a messy load of hot, wet cash.

Steve Harvey dies tragically at 57, Donkey Kong to take over as Family Feud host

by R. Dawson

Steve Harvey died tragically of a heart attack on Thursday at the age of 57. He was found dead in his home, having suffered a fatal heart attack. Family Feud, the show Harvey had been hosting in recent years, announced Sunday that, with Harvey’s passing, the show would continue on Wednesday with its new host, Donkey Kong. A spokesperson for Family Feud stated, “After Steve Harvey’s popularity, we decided that the best way to continue Family Feud and serve Steve’s memory as best we could is to hire another ape as host, in keeping with Harvey’s trend.”

Despite outcry of fans, calling the remark “racist,” and members of PETA, who said the comparison was “an insult to primates,” Host-Elect Donkey Kong expressed pleasure with the arrangement, and followed the announcement by eating 80 bananas in celebration.

Donkey Kong - Family Feud