The Retro Critic

Super Noah’s Ark 3D

A lot has been said about the infamous Super Noah’s Ark 3D.

From AVGN to our very own Eric Bailey, who covered the game’s possible re-release some time ago, it’s proven very challenging for most reviewers to not talk about this unofficial Wisdom Tree Super Nintendo game.

I was going to keep it for Review A Bad Game Day (August 8th) but, since I just missed Review A Great Game Day and very few games bring me quite as much joy as Super Noah’s Ark 3D, I think it’s worth reviewing it now and including it in both categories. Besides, there’s a new Noah movie out now AND goats are “in” with the recent release on Steam of that Goat Simulator.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Super Noah’s Ark 3D is dumb.

Like, really dumb.

Wolfenstein 3D with goats and a Bible theme?!

This is one of those ideas that’s so crazy it could have only worked!

If you don’t already know, the game sees you play as Noah as he goes around his ark slingshotting food into the faces of every single unruly animal thereby keeping them calm during their long journey ahead.

In the beginning…

…there was Carl the Camel.

As far-fetched as it was in the new film to see Noah keep all these animals asleep for the whole journey, this is beyond silly. I mean, in a weird way, it’s somewhat more realistic as having this many animals in one ark would probably result in complete chaos but if it’s this impossible to keep the animals quiet then maybe this wasn’t the best plan to begin with…

To be fair, Noah does seem to be having fun.

Look how happy he is:

Now, although a Wolfenstein 3D clone in which Noah travels through time to kill Nazis brutally would have been kinda awesome and way better than this, they don’t go for that here, removing all the WWII imagery and replacing it with inoffensive iconography.

Remember those unsettling Hitler portraits peppered throughout the original game?

Well they’re out and sleeping ducks are in.

As are Melvin the Monkey pictures:

These are actually way creepier than they had any right to be.

*shudder*

Noah primarily uses a slingshot to put all these creatures to sleep but, as you can see in the screenshot above, he also uses different contraptions like a double slingshot:

Which requires both hands to use, by the way.

And a really big slingshot:

Just the ticket for those pesky kangaroos.

The goats may be the most talked-about beasts in this game but there are many more deserving of mention. Luckily, the game ends with a curtain call as each animal shows up and takes a bow, from the sheep:

To the antelopes:

“Meet The Cast!” lol

This is a pretty bizarre game as a whole but I find it especially weird that Noah bothered to name the bosses in the game but not the other animals. Also, what’s with all the goats? Wasn’t it two of every species maximum he was meant to gather in the ark?

No wonder God’s putting him through this whole fiasco: he’s not doing his job properly!

So, at the end of the first level, you fight Carl the Camel and it is one suspenseful battle to say the least.

Man this camel’s scary…

I’m kidding: he’s adorable.

As is Melvin:

Whoever sat down and actually physically clicked on those nipple pixels to create them is my own personal hero.

Put it there, Mel.

OH NO!!!

I mistakenly blew Melvin’s head off!

There’s SO MUCH BLOOD!

I kid, that’s watermelon.

But it totally looks like blood for a second when you’re playing the game.

The scariest enemies in Super Noah’s Ark 3D are the ones you can barely see like the oxen:

But also those animals who get too close for comfort:

Argh…

And those weird floating heads which pop up every so often:

The game’s final boss, however, is particularly perplexing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Um…

Vomit… man?

Swamp Thing?

What a twist! It was Burt the Bear all along!

Covered in seaweed and garbage.

Bears enjoy disguises, we all know this.

He’s pretty tough to beat but by that point you should have a titanium slingshot so all is well.

Power-ups you get during the game can be hard to decipher since they tend to look pretty pixelated but at least the fruits are easy to make out so, by all means, do pick those up.

You’ll need ’em.

This really is one of those bad games that just demands to be played. Even though knowing it exists is probably enough, there’s just something magical about playing such a goofy version of Wolfenstein 3D. And since it’s a copy/paste clone of that game, which is rather good, it’s more fun to play than a lot of Bible games out there.

Yes, even that Noah game on the NES where you carry every single animal over your head then dump them in the ark like they’re bags of rice or something.

Plus the sound effects are hilarious so, for those alone, it’s worth trying out.

Some of my favourite parts of the game I’ve already mentioned but I also enjoy the occasional typo (“beacause” instead of “because” etc.), the fact that Noah’s ark has shelves and cupboards:

The goats, who are just cute little things you’ll want to punch in the face by the end of the game:

Really put them to sleep.

And, of course, this moment which sees Burt the Bear seemingly scream in pain and hold his hand over his eye:

Suggesting what we all believed from the start: that Noah is, indeed, hurting those poor animals by slamming food into their mouths as hard as he can with what are basically weapons.

I love that this is how the game ends.

All in all, Super Noah’s Ark 3D is one ludicrous endeavour and definitely the odd-one-out in the SNES’ glorious library but it’s still an entertaining piece of “what the…?” that deserves at least one play. At least so you can say you’ve played it.

Besides…

Can’t go wrong with Goatenstein 3D.

Sleep tight.