GMZ

GMZ – E3 2014 Special Edition

I would like to issue a formal apology for the lateness of this issue of GMZ. It is solely my fault, and I will take responsibility for it, as such. The issue was supposed to be posted Thursday. Wednesday, I entered the hospital with severe testicle pain. The doctor said my balls were just too big. Grossly massive. In his medical opinion, they were “fucking impressive.” I could hardly walk, and I had to stay in the hospital till about 11pm, which didn’t allow me the time I needed to write the articles, as I was away from my phone, computer, or any source of internet.  So, on behalf of myself, and my oversized nuts, I apologize for the tardiness of this issue.

             – Daniel Lamplugh, GMZ Co-Founder

Nintendo Announces Full Slate of Yarn-Based Games, Partnership with Yarn Barn

By Sue Wooley

Yesterday, Nintendo announced full line of yarn-based spin-off games: Yarncitebike, The Legend of Zelda: Triforce of Yarn, Wii Fit U: Crocheting, Yarnio Kart: Double Treble Dash, Pokéyarn: Purple Nurple/Pink Belly, and Yarntendogs. As well, a screenshot of an upcoming Metroid game, subtitled Wet and Wooly, was shared, as you can see below.

Also there appears to have been more than a fibre of truth to the rumours stitching together Nintendo and Yarn Barn, the multinational chain of yarn goods and accessories. “We admit that the rumours about our partnership were true. The execs had long discussions about when to reveal it, with some worrying that the longer we waited, the more fans would feel like we were stringing them along or pulling the wool over their eyes. With all the leaks, it shows how excited everyone at Nintendo and Yarn Barn were, as some people were just dyeing to tell their friends and family about it, so we weren’t surprised when word started to spread unofficially. As things started to unravel on us, the media needling us with questions, using their craft to try to hook us into answering them, scratching the public’s curiosity itch, we decided at E3 we needed to announce the yarn games and the partnership as a common thread.” said Miyamoto.

As for the partnership, Nintendo games will now be sold in all Yarn Barn stores, allowing them to blanket North America. It remains to be seen if this will be a pattern Sony and Microsoft will follow. Ball’s in their court.

Ubisoft Reveals the “Just Just Dance”

By Theodore Eey

Ubisoft revealed at their booth this week at E3, that they will be stepping into the hardware game with their own console: The “Just Just Dance.”

“We decided that, to make the Just Dance brand accessible to everyone, we should give it its own console, so you won’t have to buy an Xbox, Wii, or Playstation to play it anymore,” explains Ubisoft Chairman and CEO, Yves Guillemot.

The console itself will come with the first Just Dance pre-installed, and will also have an online marketplace to purchase other games in the Just Dance series, and download them directly to the device.

“We often see that people who purchase Just Dance: Middle School Gym teachers, inebriated Moms or Housewives, people who want to dance but are in wheelchairs; these people generally do not play video games aside from Just Dance. So we decided to make it easier for them to play the games they want without having to purchase an expensive console they will never use for anything else,” states Ubisoft Chief market analyst, John G. Wasp.

The console is only in prototype stage as of right now, but Ubisoft is expecting promising results, despite the fact that their “prototype” is just some Wiimotes tied to a CD Player with some string. The Just Just Dance is slated for consumer release in Summer of 2016.

Exclusive interview with Dominic Robilliard, Creative Director of Entwined

By Dave Shar

Dave Shar: Hello, I’m Dave Shar, for GMZ, and today I am interviewing Dominic Robilliard, Creative Director of the new Sony Exclusive game, Entwined. Hello Dominic, glad I could interview you today.

Dominic Robilliard: I’m glad you could too. I’m a huge fan of GMZ.

DS: Who isn’t? Well, onto the questions. You are the Creative Director of Entwined, a game about two souls who aren’t allowed to come together. How did you get an exclusive deal with Sony?

DR: I went to Japan last summer for a vacation, and while I was there, I walked by the Sony building. I decided to walk in just to take a look. I talked to the receptionist a little while, and the next thing I knew, I had a contract.

DS: Wait… you just walked into the Sony offices and got a contract? Like it was nothing?

DR: Apparently.

DS: Well, okay. Next Question: So, many people are seeing “Entwined” as a metaphor for Gay Marriage laws, not letting two souls come together.

DR: I suppose that’s one interpretation of it.

DS: You don’t agree?

DR: That’s not what I had in mind.

DS: And the rainbow symbol and everything? You’re telling me that it was just a coincidence that the game resonated like that?

DR: Yup!

DS: Huh. Okay, well, onto my thir-

DR: I’m not gay.

DS: I, uh, never said you were, sir. Ahem, moving on. Who were some of your influences for the concept of this game.

DR: Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Perez Hilton, Northstar from the X-Men.

DS: Uh, how did they influence you?

DR: Their… hair.

DS: Not that they are all publicly known gay figures?

DR: I have a wife and kids.

DS: I don’t even know if that’s true.

DR: I’m really not gay. I like porn. Straight porn.

DS: Okay, I think that’s all we have time for today.

DR: No, wait! Come back! I hate the Village People! My dog doesn’t wear sweaters! I like vaginas, I promise!

DS: Look, I-

DR: Oh god, no, is it that obvious? What if Sony finds out too and gets rid of me just like Nintendo did? You saw what they did with Tomodachi Life. Not even the Queer Gaming Illuminati was able to break them.

DS: Whoa whoa, hey man. Calm down. Look, not all companies are evil. I’m sure Sony will respect your sexuality and continue to support you, because all they want to do is release great games, and if those games resonate with the audience deeply, than that’s even better. I mean, look, even a company as notoriously shitty as EA can put out games like the Mass Effect series, which allows gay relationships. Not all big companies are afraid to take the leap to defend their games and their developers. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are, because your life and experiences are part of what help you make great games.

DR: You really think so?

DS: Really. Also because, considering how horrendous you are at hiding it, they probably already know, and they haven’t done anything yet.

DR: Thanks.

DS: No problem.

DR: So… I know this place around here. Club Roxy. They have great cocktails. Interested?

DS: Yeah, sure. I do love me some cocktails.

Super Ultra Dead Rising 3 Arcade Remix Hyper Edition EX +α  DLC

By Bernard Mudd

 

Dear Pierre and Daniel,

I know you sent me to E3 to cover the Microsoft presentation and I wanted to write a hilarious and insightful article, but Microsoft did a decent job this year. They didn’t screw up. There were no rape jokes. I suppose they played it rather safe this year after the failure of last year’s E3, which was wise, but while the whole thing was a little boring, they gave me nothing to work with. I thought I might be able to write something about how boring it was, but then this happened:

I will never in my life be able to write anything as brilliantly stupid as the title of that DLC. Consider this my letter of resignation. As I reflect on this personal failure, I will consider a few fall-back careers, likely chartered accountancy or funeral home director.

Sincerely,

Bernard (no middle name) Mudd