GMZ #2-5 – Yoshi Arrested, Political Plants vs. Zombies, and Ubisoft’s Secret
Yoshi Arrested, Accused of Cannibalism
By Ken Reporter
Early this morning, T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas, better known simply as Yoshi, was arrested by the Yoshi Island Police Departement. At a press conference held an hour later, police chief Snufit explained that Yoshi is wanted in connection with the hundreds of disappearances of various Yoshis dating back to the early 90s.
No one in the video game industry was exactly surprised by this. One person we spoke to under condition of anonymity had this to say: “I’va know about-a Yoshi’s, let’s-a say, “strange eating habits” for years. I’va always thought it’s-a weird. Mama mia, who eats-a their own friends and-a familia?!”
When the news broke, Bowser contacted us immediately and refused to not let us interview him. We said hello, and then he said this: “It’s about fucking time, man! For fuck’s sake! I mean, I kidnap this chick once in a while, put her in my luxurious castle, treat her very well, never lay a hand on her whatsoever, and I get labelled a goddamn monster! But this guy, he’s been caught ON VIDEO eating his own kind FOR YEARS, and he’s one of the good guys?! It’s racist, I tell you. This whole damn Mushroom Kingdom is racist. Koopas get murdered by Mario EVERY DAY, no questions asked, many of them with the help of this Yoshi asshole, while Yoshi gets away with murder and eating his own kids, friends, complete strangers, even unborn foetuses, but that’s ok, because he’s a Yoshisaur. Like I said, it’s about time and it’s bullshit.”
American Green Party Takes Page from PeTA Playbook, Releases Video Game
By W.R. Hearts and J. Pulitzer
A press released sent to GMZ this morning describes a Plants vs. Zombies-like game that has been released by the Green Party of the United States called Republycans vs. Demoncrats. Essentially, it is exactly like Plants vs. Zombies, but with werewolves that look like several well-known Republican politicians fighting a pack of demonic Democratic politicians, with the added bonus of being able to switch the sides and play as the Demoncrats and fight off the hordes of Republycans. The attacks are all identical, regardless of which side you choose. Some of the characters attack by talking an enemy to death using the filibuster attack, throwing money at an enemy until it switches to your side, producing a libelous attack ads to make the enemy wither and die, or by becoming a pundit and regenerating the health of its side. There are also currently four unique playable stages: Bang-hazi, The Factor, Eye-Wrack, and the Back Room.
Other third parties have voiced support and appreciation for the game, including the Libertarian Party, whose spokesman said he really liked how that, other than visually, the opposing sides were completely identical, saying it added a layer of realism rarely seen in video games. Meanwhile, all the Republicans and Democrats we contacted also said they loved the game, explaining that they really enjoyed how it portrayed their political opponents, which we assume means they are completely oblivious that it’s possible to play as those opponents.
The game is on sale now for the Ouya.
Investigative Report: The Secret to Ubisoft’s Rise to Dominance
By Jimmy Connors
After the controversy surrounding Assassin’s Creed Unity, Ubisoft, the game’s publisher, discovered it had an excess of copies that weren’t selling. So, the Montreuil-based video game company did the unthinkable.
“Ubisoft is proud to announce that it has entered into a timed exclusivity agreement with Claus LLC. This Christmas, Santa’s only video game distribution will be Assassin’s Creed Unity.”
Ubisoft paid a reported flat sum of 8 billion dollars to good old Saint Nick in return for the reindeer team delivery service. Now, you are probably wondering, ‘why not put that 8 million into the game itself and make something that people actually want to buy?’ Well, as Yves Guillemot puts it, “We are the company that put out Call of Juarez: The Cartel. Our entire operation is dedicated to making the least amount of intelligent decisions.”
But that leaves another question unanswered: if Ubisoft goes out of their way to make awful games with console breaking bugs, why did the game get good scores? We here at GMZ believe we have discovered the answer: Opium. At the GMZ headquarters, we tested the insides of 100 different copies of AS:U, and inside each one, we found trace amounts of opium. We believe that, after putting a game in and getting the opium all over his hands, a reviewer then proceeds to eat at least 4 bags of Doritos and drink 3 bottles of any flavor Mountain Dew. This leads to indirect finger-to-mouth contact, causing opium ingestion. So, during the review process, the reviewer is totally delirious.
When confronted about this, Guillemot simply responded, “No, that’s an honest mistake. We just do lots of drugs, and it gets all over the place. So, it’s very possible it got on the discs. In fact, I’m gonna level with you, I’m high right now.”
Guillemot then proceeded to take his pants off, light them on fire, dance around them, and chant the Buck Bumble theme song.