My Two Gils

What your buffet behavior says about your retrogaming collection

Hello there! Welcome to the first personality quiz in 1 More Castle HISTORY!

While you are busy printing this out to circle the answers, I will be by the beach, downing some Tequila. Or perhaps I will be at the hotel buffet, stuffing my face as always. The apprehension of my vacation’s buffet is probably what inspired this column, unless it was the fact that I’m leaving in a couple of days and needed to think of something FAST!

In any case, there are a lot of similarities between retro game collecting and browsing through endless supplies of food only to invest time and effort in a couple of the choices. So, what your buffet behavior can tell you about your retro games collecting habits? Take the quiz and find out!

1. What’s your general strategy at the buffet:

a) A strategy? I need a strategy? I didn’t know…
b) Checking out what’s new and exotic first
c) I dunno. A little bit of everything?
d) Eat what’s expensive, it’s time to ruin these stupid restaurant owners.
e) Oh, I always grab “food X” first. I’ve done this since I was a kid. It’s tradition.

2. Where do you sit?

a) Whatever table is available.
b) In the eastern most corner of the restaurant.
c) As close as possible? I don’t want to be able to check out what I’ve missed so far.
d) Eyes on the prize. Ain’t no way I’m looking away from the buffet.
e) Close to families. These kids are “adorbs”.

3. So, what are we drinking?

a) I’ll be fine with just water.
b) Do you have imported sodas?
c) Um. What are your choices?
d) I’ll have a Coke. AND NONE OF THAT PEPSI SHIT. Water? Don’t drink water, they salt it so you eat less and drink more.
e) I’ll have some soda/glass of milk/iced tea, with a straw.

4. Your first time checking out the buffet, you…

a) … feel confused and overwhelmed.
b) … grab the first things you see.
c) … plan how many plates that will make.
d) … make a plan. This is a mission. Let’s be efficient.
e) … look at everybody around, having fun and gaze at the decorations in the restaurant.

5. There’s a kid in front of you in the lineup taking their sweet time. What do you do?

a) Wonder if I received any tweets.
b) I’ll read a manga on my phone in the meantime.
c) Anything new on ebay/steam?
d) Move over kid. It’s my territory now. Stupid kids.
e) Have what they’re having. Kids really know best.

6. When you switch between plates, the plate is…

a) …empty. I try to give every food a fair chance
b) …decorated. Look! I made a smiley face with the sauce.
c) …pretty full. Didn’t like a lot of things. I need to keep room for the rest.
d) …empty. Now let’s make a plan of exactly what I need to put back in it.
e) …in my hands. I’m not switching plate. It’s my plate, don’t take it away!

7. Vegetables

a) Ugh… I guess I should eat some… People say it’s good for me.
b) Alright! Vegetables! I love vegetables!
c) Meh. Might as well.
d) Hey, look! Vegetables. YOU SUCK! SEE YOU IN HELL VEGETABLES!
e) My parents would probably want me to eat some.

8. A make-your-own omelette station. What will you have?

a) Hum… surprise me?
b) No way. Omelettes are boring. I’ll pass.
c) Hum… all-dressed?
d) Give me some cheese. More cheese you cheapskates!
e) Can you shape it like a kitty?

9. There’s no tongs at this station. What do you do?

a) I’ll ask an employee if they have a spare.
b) Chopsticks time!
c) Bah. I’ll come back later.
d) Take the next tongs available. It’s all the same shit anyway.
e) Maybe if I just grab some with my fingers…

10. Finally reached the dessert table

a) I’ll ask around to see what’s good.
b) That exotic fruit salad looks DIVINE.
c) Why are these plates so small? I can’t fit everything.
d) Look at these idiots. You need to use the dinner plates. They’re a lot bigger.
e) JELL-O! *jiggle jiggle squishy squishy*

11. The bill…

a) Are we splitting this? Do I have to get up or pay at the table?
b) You don’t take bitcoins, do you?
c) Let me get one of my credit cards… Which one has room?
d) MOM!
e) I’ll go get my small change.

Profile 1: The standard

Majority of “a)” answers.

The standard collector. The person who is moderate with their habit of collecting game also has a pretty standard behavior at the buffet. Nothing too fancy, never exaggerating. You’ll see balanced plates that will be empty between every trip. Just as with their collection, the standard collector really has little to none defining feature. They’re easily influenced though and, since they didn’t have the chance to taste anything, or play everything before, they’ll often unfortunately prioritize other’s people’s recommendations over their own tastes. They also quickly grow self-conscious when they’re not “up to speed” with the retrogaming sphere. Maybe one day they’ll grow a spinal cord.

Profile 2: The singular

Majority of “b)” answers.

The singular collector is a peculiar character. At the buffet, they’ll grab anything that looks exotic or just plain weird. In there, you’ll see a lot of unknown meat in weird sauces, weird jelly things and usually at least one tentacle. Strangely, they love this stuff and ask for more! Who needs pizza and pasta anyway? Of course, they’re not really happy to be at a buffet. They’d rather be at that new restaurant by the corner of the road, no matter how many time you remind them that they got fined repeatedly for lack of hygiene.

Their collection is probably among the most interesting. There are a lot of titles in there you will not know of and a lot you won’t even be able to read or pronounce. You’ll also probably see a lot of repro-carts and an unopened Japanese for Dummies book on the bookshelf. They’ll get to learning Japanese eventually, but not for now. You’ll probably see a couple of classic games and consoles, but the TurboGrafx, ZX Spectrum or Apple Bandai Pippin will probably catch your attention quicker.

You may be taken back by their peculiar collection, but, rest assured, the singular collector is happy to share all these interesting unknown titles with you. They’ll greet you with open arms and help you embrace their truly magical world. Don’t listen to them. It’s a trap.

Profile 3: The enthusiastic

Majority of “c)” answers.

Ah, the enthusiastic collector. You’ll immediately notice their habits as they usually have the most plates at the table. Mind you they don’t eat more than the others, as they leave a lot of things untouched. They grab everything in sight, but just a little. Most of what they try is just a bit salty, tasteless, too cold, too spicy, too smooshy, etc. But, hey, they tried. In the end, their “effective meal” will mostly be the same food as everybody else.

When you see their retro game collection, you’ll see the parallel. All these variants, all this shovelware filling the walls, the drawers, the closets. The obsessive collector doesn’t collect video games; they hoard, fashionably. Limited editions, 3-4 screw variants, greatest hits, the Duck Hunt and World Track Meet single cartridge, anything goes, as long as it’s cheap and easy to bring back home. You’ll see a couple of rare games in that collection, but it’ll be like finding a needle in a haystack. The enthusiastic collectors are often misunderstood, but at least the games understands them.

Profile 4: The purist

Majority of “d)” answers

The purists collectors are a very knowledgeable, generous and loud breed of people. You’ll notice by their interest in other people’s plates more than their own. They are always open to give you hints on what to choose by making sure you stray from all the crap these suckers want you to swallow. They come here a lot, sampling everything and haggling for free meals, so they know their stuff.

As for their collection, it doesn’t look much different than the standard collection, but games shine by their absence. No matter how hard you look, there will always be a classic missing, because that classic is overrated. Thankfully, while a classic is missing, an underrated gem totally unrelated to blatant nostalgia can be found in its place. You’ll also find Super Mario Bros. 2 in the letter “D” because it IS Doki Doki Panic. A little sticker also indicates that the SNES games are Final Fantasy IV and Final Fantasy VI. Oh, and all games and consoles are sorted by their international name. But enough about their collection, what about yours? The purist collector is always happy to tell you where you went wrong while collecting, because you clearly don’t know what you’re doing despite how similar your collection is. The purist will also have lots of stories about retro gaming n00bs who got screwed at their local store and about the crooks on ebay selling games for way too much.

Profile 5: The nostalgic

Majority of “e)” answers

You’ll recognize the nostalgic collector at the buffet. They have perfectly balanced plates, just as their parents taught them. They eat the good hearty plates that you still have every day, like lasagna and shepherd’s pie. They also enjoy safe and kid friendly classics like pizza and cocktail sausages in maple syrup. You see, they long for the home cooked meals they used to have as they now live in a cold apartment, alone, trying to make a name for themselves in the serious business world eating frozen meals every day and falling asleep on the couch holding their security blanket. As for their collecting habits, the nostalgic retro games collectors don’t really know they’re collecting retro video games. In fact, they might not even be collecting them; they just saw their childhood console one day and decided to buy it. Ever since then, they bought a couple of games, but mostly emulated them. They’re the ones with the knock off retro consoles and constantly store them in the back of a closet. But, when the night is cold and they reflect on their life and the vast emptiness they constantly feel as their mind wanders near a void of love and joy, they grab their fanny pack, heat up some pizza pockets, put on some Batman PJs and sit on the floor sucking their thumbs while playing an old Mario/Sonic/Spyro/Crash game.

Profile ALPHA: The PC gamer

Skipped to the results before taking the quiz

Ah, the PC gamer. The PC gamer could’ve taken the quiz, but I’ll be damned if a PC gamer accepts being anything other than the elite they really are. The PC looked at this page seeing a possible satire of the fools who collect physical media. They promptly hit “SHIFT+END” to reach the end of the page and, here they are. Yes, PC gamers. I leave you with your own category for you truly are knights among peons in the gaming world.

Happy with your results? Good for you. I’ll see you guys in two weeks! In the meantime, more tequila.