The Retro Critic

Crude Buster

After taking a look at the somewhat obscure movie-sequel-turned-good-and-bad-games Predator 2, let’s get back to basics: demented arcade beat ’em ups.

More specifically: Crude Buster or… rather Two Crude Dudes.

Though born in the arcade, we’ll be looking at the Sega Genesis version of the game which bears the latter title.

Much like, say, Wolfchild, Two Crude Dudes is not only great thanks to it being a genuinely good game but also thanks to just how overall nuts it is! The plot sees two muscly dudes with silly Guile-style haircuts, U.S. mercenaries, take on a terrorist organization called “Big Valley” and reclaim a post-apocalyptic New York City.

“THE” advanced and bizarre weapons?

Hm, might want to rewrite that, folks.

I like how the government just sent two guys in lol

(bear in mind those images are from the arcade version, they’re slightly more fun :P)

By the way, “Crude” sure is a weird term to use, isn’t it?

Did the President of the future United States call them that?

That must have been such an odd meeting. Not to mention an awkward press conference!

Besides, does “crude” refer to their perverted sense of humour, some shady past we don’t know about or how disgusting their techniques of killing bad guys are?

Unclear.

Moving on, the game opens with you walking down the street beating up bad guys, picking up all kinds of crap lying around and using it to throw on people, much like in Captain America And The Avengers. It’s hugely satisfying to knock dudes out and break stuff and although the animation on the characters is slightly stiffer than it was in the arcade version, the game still packs a punch and is still pretty fast-paced. Hard to get bored with that one.

 

(nifty 60’s Batman touch there with the WHAM’s, huh?)

After all, what’s more fun than destroying walls WITH YOUR FISTS?

Nothing, that’s what.

Except maybe throwing Hot Dog banners at tanks:

Again, I suggest some kind of impeachment: two guys to take out a bunch of tanks? Really? Surely you jest, Mr President.

There’s tons of villains to fight including a whole range of bosses, most of which look like they’d fit in really well in those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons.

One thing’s for sure: they’re all big on multicoloured spandex…

Around town you’ll notice some pretty classic graffiti sprayed on those New York 2030 walls:

“Kiss” isn’t so bad, hell, the band could be in town. But whoever wrote “Banana” all over town should not give up the day job, whatever it might be. At least we know whose work that one is:

So THAT’S where Batman villains go when they can’t make it in Gotham!

Idiots.

That’s Spidey’s town! Hm, I guess that explains The Rhino…

(or Bull, whatever)

“Freez in hell, Spider-Man!”

Sorry, got sidetracked there. My unfocused geek mind tends to wander and crossover franchises when it should be working…

I should really give you an idea of how varied and creative those villains are that our crude dudes get to face.

You’ve got Bionic Arm Dude:

Robots:

Blue Demon Dogs:

(yes, your head does get kinda chopped-off like that on the upper levels)

Red Scythe-Wielding Guy:

(he’s rubbish, just stand below him and throw him around)

Dr Purple:

Evil-Dude-That-Can-Morph-Into-Floating-Anuses:

Mr Snake Penis:

(yes those names ARE getting classier and classier)

And last but not least:

Wait…

Is that dude… naked?

O.O

Oh Genesis you beautiful bastard…

And I thought THAT was homo-erotic:

Actually, I should explain. In the end it turns out that this mad scientist created all these monsters and he himself becomes one at the end (Dr Purple, see above) but not before attempting to take on our crude dude in his human form in what is probably one of the funniest fights in any game I’ve played. I’m not kidding: it’s genius.

Right off the bat he shows up and it’s like “what?!”. Then he proceeds to walk towards you and the inevitable happens…

You drop him like a bag of dirt and he keeps coming back over and over, never attempting to even harm you. It’s just sublimely loltastic. Personally, I could do that for hours. It’s less funny when he transforms, though…

The game isn’t really too hard as a whole but for a mindless beat ’em up arcade game it’s long enough to be challenging. The controls and what you’re meant to do is very straight-forward, you just need to make sure you know the right tricks to get rid of those bosses quickly (they’re pretty obvious most of the time) so as long as you keep going without losing patience, you should be able to get through the whole thing relatively easy.

Also, guess how you get health?

Power Cola!

Yes, you beat up these drink machines (which have miraculously survived a nuclear blast lol), sodas pop out and you drink them.

The moral?

Carbonated sodas will LITERALLY save your lives. Of course, we all knew that already thanks to the wise 7-Up-approved teachings of Mr Cool Spot but it’s a message worth repeating I think.

The game ends as you’d expect: the Big Valley headquarters crumble down and you and your pal walk off having, I’m guessing, killed every bad guy in the entirety of New York City.

Right on indeed.

All in all, Crude Buster/Two Crude Dudes I’d say is certainly a must-play, especially if you’re a fan of retro beat ’em ups. It’s tons of fun, the graphics are colourful and appealing enough, the controls are as smooth as they need to be, music and sound effects are all pretty cool and the plot and its characters are so goofy that it makes for a completely enjoyable experience.

Good stuff.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a misguided Spider-Man/Batman crossover to go and write…

It’s party time, pal!

;)