GMZ #5 – Burgers, Drugs, Sexual Harassment, and Saving America’s Children

Link Arrested, Charged for Sexually Harassing and Assaulting Peach Toadstool

Hyrule police arrested the perpetually green-tunicked man at his secluded Kokiri Forest mansion. He is accused of making crude sexual remarks, groping, trying to kiss, and “dropping” Miss Toadstool into a river. The incedents occurred over the weekend at a Nintendo corporate conference. These are the first charges of this nature to be levelled against Link, though rumours of inappropriate behaviours, like touching himself while making strange noises (e.g., “huht” and “hyaaa” and “iegcht!”) have circled for years.
The arraignment hearing will likely occur in the next two weeks.

Listen here you dough-boy, inhaler-using, four-eyed ingrates, I’ll preface this wonderful piece by telling you frankly, I couldn’t care less for this unintelligent dribble you weaklings call entertainment. Hell, the only reason I’m here on this page is that I’m tired of preaching to the choir, so I’m taking my message to a place where you worthless dorks can see it.

Let me get right down to it: video games are destroying our youth. Ever since the goddamn Nips brought them over as payback for Nagasaki, they have been wearing the resolve of our younger generations and turning them into wimps at best, and warping them into murderers of the innocent at the worst. Video games start childish enough, to lure the helpless sap of a player into trusting video games and lowering their defenses. Then, as the games grow increasingly more violent and debased, the players are twisted around the polygon vixen’s finger. They experience urges like never before. Mario told them to smash on turtles, so they do. Ridge Racer told them to speed, so they do. Thief taught them to steal, so they do. Doom taught them to kill, so they do. Oregon Trail taught them to practice cannibalism, so they do! These are impressionable no-lives who have bent by the industry of interactive and evil entertainment. Columbine, Virginia Tech, Bosnia, video games were involved in all of them! You want to know who else played video games? Hitler! It’s true, the Nazis were the original inventors of video games, which were used as training for the German soldiers. Don’t believe me, see for yourself:

Since then, video games have been a plague on freedom and the American way. The fucking liberals would tell you “it’s all in good fun,” but what do a bunch of homo-loving, welfare-handing leftists know? I’m warning you pudges now, stop playing video games, unless you want to be a daycare-shooting cannibal-rapist. I’m only look out for you, and for America.

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