GMZ

GMZ #16 – Blockbustertoads, TLC, Tell-All, and Night Terrors

Film Adaption of Battletoads to be directed by J.J. Abrams

By B. Lee

In order to compete with the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie franchise, started by Michael Bay, Rare has announced a partnership with New Line Cinema, for a new movie based on the Battletoads franchise, with the first film being directed by J.J. Abrams. “We’re really excited for the opportunity to both entertain the audiences with fast paced, amphibian action, and also serve a metaphor on the difference between skin conditions,” said New Line Cinema representative, Doug Duglassen, “we are promising ten times more explosions, and half the depth as our competitor.” Rare executives are, “hoping to use the money from this film to buy [themselves] out of Microsoft’s bondage”.

J.J. Abrams was not available for comment, as he was busy stacking his money into pyramids, then sliding down them while screaming about “Trek Wars” or something. Recently, there was a leaked video from a production meeting for the movie, where the assembly cut just consisted of a PowerPoint presentation of explosion gifs.

 

Shinobi+12,314? Joe Musashi, TLC to Launch Reality TV Show

By Steve Yojimbo

Some of you may think he was simply called Shinobi, while some may not know him at all, but this should change very soon as TLC has announced a partnership with Sega to produce an all new reality show starring our favourite 80s/90s video game ninja. With the success of John and Kate + 8 and 19 Kids & Counting waning in popularity, his own waning popularity (his last video game was as a hidden playable character in Shinobi 3D), and his almost completely depleted fortunes, Joe has decided to join the reality TV world with his very own show called “Soon All of You Scum Will Bow Down in Terror as We Rule the World!”

Those of you of a certain age may remember that Mr. Musashi often saved kidnapped children in his many video games. What virtually no one knew was that after attempting to return these children back to their families, most refused to go back and insisted on remaining with their ninja saviour (they were children after all, and what’s cooler than a ninja?). As a result, he adopted and is raising over 12,000 formerly kidnapped children, an ordeal which has left him a little angry. Watch them as they live, learn, love, and become an army of indestructible super ninjas hellbent on world domination.

It’s “Soon All of You Scum Will Bow Down in Terror as We Rule the World!” This fall, only on TLC.

 

Shadow the Hedgehog writes tell-all book, considers running for Senate in his home state of Iowa

By C & C

Recently, Shadow the Hedgehog wrote a tell-all book about his time with Sega, and some of the deeper secrets held by those within the company. The book, titled Continue? is a mixture of angst-filled biographical stories from Shadow’s past, and a condemnation of what the video game industry has become. “Sometimes I sit around in a dark corner of my house, and think, ‘This is some bullshit.’ Then I turn on some Linkin Park to relax me,” Shadow says, “I think my ideology is, help the people who hurt, because they hurt.” Shadow also expresses some distaste for his former home company, Sega, but while still maintaining good relationships with the people there. “I think they definitely gave some raw deals sometimes,” explains Shadow, “I mean, just look at what happened to Alex [Kidd] or Professor K. But, they are also a business, and they do what’s best for them. They aren’t perfect, but they gave a lot of us the break we needed back in the day.” Shadow says he is also looking into a possible Senate race in Iowa for the next available term, running against Republican incumbent, Chuck Grassley. “I don’t know, yet. I have gotten some support, but I still don’t know what my next move is in my career. I love the people of Iowa, and I will fight for them if I have to, but I’m not making any final decisions at the current moment.”

Shadow’s book is now available at bookstores all around the country, as well as in some B&Q stores throughout Europe.

Still No Explanation for Young New York Boy Suffering from Bizarre Night Terrors

By Joe Slater

Just an update on a story we ran one month ago. The parents of the young boy whose story of terrifying nightmares involving murdering animals to wear them as suits has gripped America over the past month are still looking for answers.

When the boy’s parents first heard their son describe his dreams, they believed it to simply be a phase. They thought the same thing with his new found obsession with keys, but as days turned weeks and then months, the nightmares not only continued, but progressively got worse, with evil balls, plate-throwing monkeys, and murderous birds sharks.  The boy is even trying to feed small animals and insects candy, insisting they’ll help him fly and climb walls. They brought their boy to a psychiatrist who thought the boy might be suffering from a form of schizophrenia. The anti-psychotic and anti-hallucinogenic drugs did nothing to improve his condition. They tried illegal electroshock therapy in Russia. They even tried advanced aggressive macaroni therapy.

So far, seemingly nothing has helped the poor young boy the public has affectionately begun calling “Nemo” due to his small size. He is currently held at the Miskatonic Sanitarium for observation and more testing.