GMZ

GMZ #17 – Earthworm Jims, Pop-Punk, Genocide, and Tony! Toni! Tonay?

Interplay Announce Earthworm Jim Reboot, Celebrity Partnerships, No Involvement for TenNapel

By Bim Benders

Last night’s Vapor Conference event highlight was definitely Interplay announcing their plans to reboot Earthworm Jim. They revealed that several games are already in production, each with a different celebrity endorsement. 6 games were mentioned, with more expected to be announced in the coming year.

Earthworm Jim Belushi will be just like the old Earthworm Jim games, except not very funny.

Earthworm Jim Duggan will be a side scrolling beat ‘em up where in lieu of just a simple plasma blaster, Jim will also be equipped with a 2X4. The game will feature a two player mode, with the Iron Sheik rumoured to be the 2nd character.

Earthworm Jim Morrison will by a rhythm-style music game where all the songs are mediocre and over-played “hits” you’ve grown to hate, but are absolutely loved by that one weird friend you have who thinks he’s a poet. All the songs must be sung poorly. The game over screen features your avatar vomiting blood in a Parisian bathtub.

Earthworm Jim Henson will be like Little Big Planet, but with Muppets and worms. It sounds pretty awesome, but it will die of cancer.

Earthworm Jim Carrey will be a side-scrolling platformer with lots of humour you will love for a few years and then suddenly find yourself wondering why the hell you ever thought it was fun or funny. It will have several sequels that sound like different games but will mostly feature the same tired old tricks and gags, to the point where you’ll just want to punch it in its stupid face.

Finally, Earthworm Jim Jarmusch will be a post-modern neo-noir adventure of a young man from Topeka, Kansas, voiced by Nick Cave, as he wanders around the streets of Manhattan with his dog while comes to grips with the futility of life. It is rumoured that the game will have no plot, action, or ending and will win several awards.

 

Digital Tony Hawk Wins Case Against Tony Hawk

 By Judge Rhinestone

In its 2nd completely stupid ruling in the same week, the US Supreme Court ruled that digital Tony Hawk, whose rise to fame coincided with the release of the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater series and subsequent spinoff series, owns the full rights to the Tony Hawk name. As a result, the court ruled that real-life Tony Hawk must now go by the name Tonay Howk. In a unanimous decision… Read more…

 

The “CC’s” to join Miley Cyrus on European Tour

by S. Viscious

Pop-Punk band “The CC’s” are set to join Miley Cyrus on her European tour, titled “From Russia, with Fuck.” The CC’s are made up of Timber the Tiger, Tiptup the Turtle, Krunch the Kritter, and Pipsy the Mouse. “We’re pretty fucking pumped to be on the tour,” expressed Tiptup before taking a handle of wine from Pipsy, and drinking a quarter of the bottle in one swig, “I think we’re gonna do what we usually do: Get fucked up, play rad music, and wreck shit.” This tour marks the CC’s first international tour, after the band came to prominence in 2011 with the single titled “Adventure Mode.” “I think ‘Adventure Mode’ just kinda spoke to people on a new level. Like, just live your own fucking adventure, and fuck the man and all his god damn control. It’s my fucking adventure!”

The CC’s are comprised of some former members of Diddy Kong’s well known racing club. After the club dissolved, the CC’s banded together (literally) to make music in the time they used to spend kart racing. When asked about their racing habits, Pipsy had to say, “Yeah, we still love the racing, but I think this is better for us. Racing was a money sink. New tires, engine upgrades, new fucking paint, every time it was some new shit. Now, we use our spare time making something that pays us, instead of the other way around.” Krunch, the band’s bassist, when asked about the group’s rise to success, inquired, “What the fuck do you want? You cunt reporters always asking me stupid fucking questions! Fuck your shit! Here’s a fucking question for you!” Krunch then smashed a bottle of Patrón over the head GMZ location manager Brian Gabriel before the reporting team was forced to leave.

The “From Russia with Fuck” tour begins on August 19th, in Plymouth, UK.

Mass Genocide against the BLOX species by space explorers

by B. BR. Ker

A field image of the carnage

The recently discovered BLOX species from Outer Mars have recently been hit with genocidal onslaught from space explorers aboard the ship “Arkanoid.” Captain M. Vaus, captain of the Arkanoid, directed his ship to deploy rebounding missiles against the BLOX groups, destroying waves of innocent BLOX men, women, and children one by one, “I don’t stand for scum sympathizers,” stated Vaus when our reporters tried to question him about the genocidal acts of mass terror against the BLOX civilization, as Vaus was on his way to a war-crimes trial.

At the trial, Vaus pled his case, and at the astonishment of all, he was acquitted of any wrongdoing, and will continue his campaign against the BLOX people. Captain Vaus, in his official statement last Thursday, said only, “They’ll pay for ever trying to block me from what I want.”