GMZ #2-4 – Zelda Timelines, Deadly Deadly Dildos, and Silent Protagonists

Legend of Zelda’s Timeline Shaken, but not Stirred

By Groose Dampé

Legend of Zelda enthusiasts experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this week as Eric Bailey announced he had allegedly discovered exclusive information about the series’ official timeline.

Since the release of the Hyrule Historia book in December 2011, the official Nintendo confirmed timeline had grown to be accepted by most of the gaming community. However, last Monday, sporadically respected internet personality Eric Bailey, also known as Nintendo Legend, came forward letting his followers know that he had solid proof of hidden information within the document. When prompted to disclose the information. Mr. Bailey announced that he would hold a press conference to reveal his discovery.

As people dug open the case to predict any plausible explanation, the “cause” quickly grew in popularity. Some thought his status as a legend allowed him to obtain information about the next entry in the series on the Wii U. While many remained skeptical, the aura of mystery surrounding the “historical” document of a purely fictional lore helped this announcement turn viral in just a few days.

Thousands gathered to the small midwest suburban community center where the conference was held. After a few greeting words, Bailey opened the conference in front of the thousands of attendants with the following statement:

“Yes, as you may have heard, I have previously undisclosed information on the Zelda timeline. You see, I have discovered the missing Link. Heehee.”

Half of the crowd immediately left, while the other half booed relentlessly. 5 people were injured in the following riot. As of this day, GMZ cannot confirm whether or not Mr. Bailey had actual information following the horrible pun, but according to many of our sources, and I quote: “Nobody gives a shit anymore.” Frankly, we agree.

Zelda - Bailey

@!#?@! – Q*Bert Found Dead

By Perez Marriott

The troubled former video game superstar who had fallen on some hard times, was found dead in a rundown Seattle appartment early this morning. Police believe it to be a case of accidental suicide, as he was found naked with a dildo lodged into his nose. The cause of death appears to be asphyxiation. Some drugs as well as the name “O’Neil” were found written in cocaine on a table near Q*Bert’s body.

Marvin Grossberg, Q*Bert’s attorney during his many run-ins with the law, released a statement saying that he will be cremated and his extensive collection of nose dildos will be generously bequeathed to his longtime friend, Kirby.

RIP - Q*Bert

 Silent Protagonist Union Declares “Chatter Strike”

By Julia Heartilly

Following the rise in articles declaring the concept of silent protagonists obsolete, the Union for Silent Protagonists (the USP), has declared a chatter strike in the hopes of rallying the public to their cause.

With the increasing popularity of the “gritty narrative” where most protagonist have gained a voice and a reason to fight, Silent Protagonist had started to feel left out. However, with the many articles and comments degrading the role of the silent protagonist, the USP felt the very existence of these famous silent heroes was in danger. When trying to find a way to make the world understand the importance of silent protagonists, Isaac the Venus Adept (from the Golden Sun series) proposed that all Silent Protagonists should start speaking out in protest. The chatter strike was declared.

Union for Silent Protagonists

Not only have the USP members started to talk, they have engaged in an endless chatter all over the world. The consequences of this jibber jabber are starting to be apparent as multiple movie theaters, classrooms and church ceremonies have been disturbed or delayed.

We met with notorious silent protagonist Gordon Freeman who had a lot of words for us:

“We had to do something. Half-Life 3 is a joke now and that shows how much credibility I seem to have these days. That’s just one of the signs of how irrelevant we seem to have become.

But we’ll fight hard with this chatter strike and I hope we have the chance to turn some heads.

I remember when I was a kid and my grandmother used to tell me to keep my head up. She was a nice lady, it’s a shame she passed away a few years ago. I loved to go to her place to eat some fresh made pastry and play with her old dog. What was her name? Oh! I remember….”

As we politely and slowly tried to walk away, it was becoming clear that the USP intended to send a harsh message to the world. More as the story develops.