The Retro Critic

Tetris The Movie: A Preview

So there’s talk of a possible Tetris sci-fi live-action movie and I, for one, am all for it!

I love Tetris!

And if Clue can be a movie, then why can’t a beloved retro gem like Tetris be a movie too?

Now, if we’re really going to take this news seriously, we’re going to have to set an example because we, as retro gamers and retro gaming aficionados, have the power to influence Hollywood this time and help steer this project towards something a little bit better than that House Of The Dead movie, for instance.

Let’s put our heads together and try to figure out the best way to make a Tetris movie work.

The sci-fi genre could lead us to a kind of Tron-like scenario as a couple of annoying 21st century idiots somehow get transported into the game Tetris Captain N-style and have to fight some made-up-for-the-movie enemy (or maybe Joseph Stalin?) using the power of those iconic blocks somehow.

OR…

The whole thing could be set in a parallel universe where dinosaurs have evolved into humans and some plumbers could get forced into some adventure involving Dennis Hopper and fungus.

Nah, too silly.

I say people complained about the Super Mario Bros. movie being nothing like the game? Let’s make Tetris as it should be.

The blocks ARE the characters.

Of course, blocks aren’t exactly famous and therefore won’t reel audiences into the theatres so, as a remedy to that, we would need to cast BIG stars to fill the roles Tetris would require.

I’m talking Bradley Cooper big.

Is he a big star? I can’t tell.

First and foremost, we’ll have to give the blocks cool, young, fresh names. Names we’ll probably be giving our cats two hundred years from now. They’ll need to be Russian names, of course, seeing as Tetris is set in Russia and all.

The long block, for example, could be called Ivan.

And who better to play Ivan than the tallest actor I could think of within 5 seconds?

Yes, you’ve guessed it: Liam Neeson.

Not only is he tall but he’s Liam Neeson!

He’ll make a great Ivan, the brutal yet wise master leading the other blocks into battle.

Oh yeah, there’ll be a battle because… movies.

It just fits.

Next up, our leading lady:

Zilya.

Can you tell who it is yet?

Here’s a clue: she’s not in the film Weekend At Bernie’s II.

That’s right:

Catherine Zeta-Jones!

She’s a competent actress, she can do comedy, drama, she can be adorable, feisty, you name it.

She was born to play Zilya.

And if you don’t see it, then feast your eyes on THIS metamorphosis:

She’s perfect.

I know we need a leading man and, I assure you, I thought very long and hard about this one.

What we really need is a dude shaped like the letter “L”.

But not one of these weird curly L’s you see in France, no, I’m talking a capital L.

The role of Leo is an important one.

At first I thought of Leonardo Di Caprio for obvious reasons.

(he’s L-shaped)

But then it clicked: who is REALLY good at Russian accents?

Ever see the movie Defiance?

Great, great flick.

Or, at least, the trailer I saw for it years ago was.

Anyway, it starred Daniel Craig:

Daniel Craig is a spot-on choice for this Tetris movie.

Not only is he familiar with franchises having starred in Tomb Raider (and I think he voiced the villain in that Tintin movie everyone forgot existed), but he’s also James Bond and his knowledge of “spydom” will definitely come in handy seeing as Leo also happens to be a spy.

Watching an MI6 agent play a KGB agent alone will be worth the price of admission.

Above all, though: he’s L-shaped and that’s what this movie needs.

You know what else this movie needs? A villain.

For this one I’m reaching back to the 80’s but also looking to the future since the person playing the nefarious Stanislav should be making a comeback soon in the next Avengers movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

James Spader.

Since Stanislav is basically just a reversed version of Zilya, we’ll make Spader and Zeta-Jones brother and sister. This should create an interesting dynamic between the characters who are torn between being siblings and sworn enemies.

Come to think of it, Daniel Craig’s character also has a similar-looking block buddy.

I call this one Leonid.

Leo’s long lost evil twin brother.

Of course, we won’t know he’s evil until the third act, when it is revealed that he was working with Stanislav all along and he was the one who framed him in the first place.

So now we have yet another interesting character dynamic AND we don’t have to pay Daniel Craig twice so we’re saving a bit of money.

I love this movie so much.

Ok, so now this just leaves Talya and Boris to cast.

This should be relatively easy seeing as they’re side characters and are therefore completely interchangeable and mostly useless. Heck, you could potentially just cast two actual blocks in the roles and the movie would still work fine.

Talya I picture as Stanislav’s trusty henchwoman: tough, flexible, criminally insane.

Madonna, consider yourself hired.

She can even sing the classic theme song!

I’m saving money left and right over here, this Tetris movie’s gonna be awesome AND on a budget.

So far we’ve got spies, evil twins, sibling rivalry, we should probably introduce the sci-fi element. Forget Tron, this movie is bigger and better than that. Tetris doesn’t need any fancy CGI world to keep us interested, it needs a cast of characters we all know and love and a story that grabs us.

And which alien do we all know and love with a story that grabbed us back in the day?

I’ll tell you who.

Our next Boris, that’s who.

This square shape wasn’t easy to cast but I think I did pretty well.

If E.T. in a dress doesn’t get the kids to come to the cinema then I don’t know what will. Plus we could have E.T. and Daniel Craig have some kind of telepathic connection so that whenever E.T. gets punched in the face, Craig’ll feel it!

Hilarity for the whole family to enjoy.

So that’s our cast and I think you’ll agree it’s glorious.

The Tetris movie could be good but it could be so much more. It could be whatever I just wrote about! Can you imagine the doors this movie, as depicted in the way I want it to, will open? Paul Giamatti as Q*bert in “Q*bert: The Movie”, Justin Bieber as the ball in “Pong: The Movie”, the possibilities are endless.

I leave you with this, the test poster for Tetris: The Movie.

It’s a rough test so don’t judge it too harshly but feel free to bask in its potential-filled beauty.

This poster has it all.

Except James Spader’s head.

No, wait…

There it is.