The Retro Critic

The Internet

Here’s a game we’ve all played.

This is a game with many names, it is also known as The Net, The Web, The Interwebs, “Online,” The Internets, Ye Olde HTTP or Ern.

Though Ern really is more like its middle name.

Or… rather the middle of its name.

The Internet can be played on PC but it has also been ported onto various other consoles from the Dreamcast to Mac, USB, the XBox One and your phone’s anus.

To describe in terms of a gaming genre, I’d say it was more of an MMORPG than anything else. It’s just like Second Life but with more nipples.

Incidentally, you can play Second Life on The Internet.

You can also play with your nipples, if The Internet’s not working.

Back in the old days, The Internet came in various forms including floppy disks:

Those were flat, square, bulky and ridiculous.

The metal bits would get all dusty plus it sort of felt like inserting playing cards into a frog’s mouth.

Awkward and unnatural.

The Internet could also be played on CDs:

Now, it should be noted that back in the 1990’s, The Internet could only be played for a specific amount of hours. Most of which would predominantly be spent waiting for the gruelling loading time to deliver pornography which looked like this:

*drools*

*wipes mouth*

Oooooh yeah.

*wipes sweaty forehead*

*wipes drool off sweaty forehead*

The Internet also came in cassette tape form at some point really early on:

Unfortunately, with those you could only hear The Internet, not so much see it.

The Internet of course now boasts an endless amount of music for you to choose from but at one point, it only really had one main theme. An anthem so iconic it outdid the Tetris song for like two months in a row in the charts.

Banana Phone was number 3.

It was a simpler time…

What time was it?

It sure was (and is).

The quality of the graphics would vary from port to port, from network to network but usually you were presented with a series of white boxes containing smaller white boxes for you to click on. Clicking being the main way to play the game, though recently tapping has also become an option.

While the main character in this particular game is essentially YOU, there were some pretty significant side-characters over the years: the Star Wars kid, the Numa Numa guy, Salad Fingers, that guy who taught us everything about the world…

Not to mention cats.

SO many cats.

Here’s one:

The Internet was really the first game to introduce the idea of “updates”.

In the beginning, there was like one level. Now? An endless sea of levels. You can have a completely different experience every single time you play.

One stage lets you upload stupid videos like really short unfinished animations involving horses or I’m sure loads of other stuff. Another stage is LITERALLY a Face Book. There’s no shortage of levels on The Internet, let’s just put it that way.

My favourite level involves Bee Dogs.

I would definitely recommend you try playing The Internet at least once. It’s a time vortex which will swallow a lot, if not all, of your time so try to be responsible and never attempt to play it all in one sitting. It’s hilarious, dark, twisted, fascinating, educational, mind-numbing, insane, it’s, quite simply, the game with the most.

Luckily, you can now play The Internet online!

All you need to do is CLICK HERE!

I love The Interwebs.