GMZ #2-12 – Everybody Hates Konami

Hide Your Games, Konami Might Be Coming For Them

By D. Madnar

You’ve certainly already heard that Konami and Hideo Kojima appear to have had a less than amicable break up, with Konami removing his name and his production company’s name from the Silent Hills: PT and the upcoming Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain box art, and then not only removing PT from the Playstation Store, but also somehow having them deleted from the consoles themselves.

Now, one of our inside sources is telling us that Konami has hired thousands of new employees to work on a project known only as “Tactical Exercise-55, ” or TX-55. The new employees appear to come from various backgrounds (i.g., robotics, programing,  military, etc.) and it is not exactly clear what video game project they are being hired to work for. Most of them are working in Konami’s new Granin studio in Russia. However, our source tells us that they don’t seem to be working on a video game at all, even the programers. Our source claims that most of the new staff seem to be receiving training on how to break into houses and buildings. Several training manuals which seem to corroborate these accusations have been sent to us, as well as a deck of playing cards featuring the box art of all of Kojima’s games throughout his career. The informant claims these are being used to help new staff to easily identify Kojima’s games, which they are mean to steal and destroy.

Finally, stolen emails we’ve received show some drawings we cannot even begin to understand. If any of our readers know what these are about, please let us know in the comments.Metal Gear TX-55 Metal Gear TX-55 Metal Gear TX-55

Konami to Announce Kojima Replacement

By C. Katt


Pictured above: Dudeo Brojima

Amidst the controversy between Hideo Kojima and his former publisher Konami, there has been much speculation as to what will become of the Metal Gear Solid franchise’s future. Konami has assured that the Metal Gear Solid is not over, despite Kojima’s lack of future involvement.

Well, GMZ has received an exclusive tip from a source inside Konami as to the identity of Kojima’s replacement. It is expected that, this coming Thursday morning, Konami will hold a press conference to announce Kojima’s successor: rival video game designer Dudeo Brojima.

Brojima, mostly known for making an assortment of beer pong and ultimate frisbee related mobile games, will be given creative direction reigns of the series following the fifth main installment: The Phantom Pain.

GMZ caught up with Brojima after this tip was received to certify the truth of the statement. Brojima responded:

“I’m not saying I’m taking over for Hideo, but if I was, let’s just say there would be some major changes to the series that would have to be made. More sweet EDM tracks, more swaggin’ snapbacks and chubbies. You know, frat kinda stuff.”

When asked what he thought of his speculated predecessor, Brojima stated:

“Slow-jima was okay. I mean, the gameplay was way too slow, and it was stupid that you got penalized for using a gun, but it had it’s high points. Hideo definitely got it right with all the girls’ tits in those games. Also, Snake smokes, which is kinda cool.”

Brojima then proceeded to hurriedly leave as he heard someone down the hallway yell “Funnel!” After packing up, my crew and I saw Brojima in the main lobby pulling a keg stand as we walked out.

Metal Gear Solid is in good hands.