GMZ #19 – Katamari, Gaming’s Greatest Feud, and Burnout
Katamari Child Abuse?
By Tom “T-Bone” Stankus
Child Welfare Services have placed the the young Prince and all his cousins in various foster homes and shelters after police across the universe arrested their parents for a multitude of charges ranging from reckless endangerment, child labour, cruelty, and malnutrition.
The children, police said, were found simply left under tables, on the tops of building, floating in space, underwater, or even forced to work in all corners of the universe rolling large balls that were sometimes thousands of times larger than themselves.
“This has been going on for years,” said Wobbly, a neighbour of one of the children found on the back of an elephant near a gas station. “I’m surprised it took the authorities this long to act, but I had no idea this family’s abuse was so widespread.” Tomio Hoshino, a man familiar with the family, says that he’d never even seen the parents until the arrest. “That Lalala kid? Always running around here naked and waving flags and shit. So weird. I always wondered where the hell her parents were and why they didn’t make her wear clothes. I’m glad they’ve been arrested and that nudist is out of our neighbourhood.”
It is already being speculated that the authorities took this long to arrest the parents, considering the child abuse and labour rumours had been well known for years, because no prison in existence was large enough to hold the King
Feature – Do You Remember? The Feud that Nearly Tore Gaming Apart
By Thaddeus Stuffypants
In the mid to late 90s, all gamers could talk about was a feud so destructive, it nearly completely destroyed gaming forever. No, not the console wars. This sad chapter in gaming was so traumatic that most gamers alive at the time have refused to speak about it. For those of you too young to remember, I’m referring to the deadly Atlantic Ocean vs Pacific Ocean feud that culminated in the brutal deaths of rappers Tupac Shamu the Killer Whale and Notorious E.C.C.O. the Dolphin in boat-by shootings. Strap-in for a history lesson, boys and girls, this shit’s about to get historical.
It all started when Shamu, who grew up in the Pacific Ocean, released his first album, Straight Outta SeaWorld, where he took Ecco, who grew up in the Atlantic, to task, questioning his cred when he’d never even spent time in prison, dissing him mercilessly in his hits singles “Nuthin’ but a Sea Thang,” “Fuck wit Ecco,” and “Sega Ain’t Shit.” Ecco then retaliated, mocking Shamu’s weight and lyrical abilities in songs like “Big Whala,” “Mo Blubber Mo Problems,” and “Shamu is a Talentless Tub of Shit.”
What happened next is gaming as a whole lost its mind. A line had been drawn in the sand and nearly everyone picked sides. Mario chose Shamu because of his more family-friendly background with SeaWorld, as did MC Kid Icarus, DJ Jazzy Joe and Mac, Buck Bumble 65, Dizzy Rascal, Dr. MC Light, and NBA Jam Master Jay. Sonic sided with Ecco due to their being on the same record label. Mappy, who guested on several Ecco songs which subsequently launched his career, was obviously in the Pacific camp as well, along with Dig Dug, Wiz ‘n Liz Khalifa, Lil’ Nemo, Easy E-Tank, Bumpy Knuckles, and Kid Chamillionaire.
For a while, the feud was limited to harsh words delivered over dope beats, but late one night, as Shamu and his associates were leaving the Don Flamenco vs Piston Hondo fight when several people on Wave Race personal watercraft approached their boats and opened fire. Shamu did not survive the incident. Many people blamed E.C.C.O., who denied any involvement, but that didn’t do anything to quell the now escalating feud.
In fact, it would take another tragedy for the burning hatred the two factions shared for each other to finally be extinguished. Several months after the death of Shamu, E.C.C.O. was also similarly gunned down, this time by what witnesses said looked like a ninja on a motorised surf board. Joe Musashi was questioned by police, but was cleared of any involvement.
After all this, pretty much everyone agreed the feud was stupid, that it should stop before more people are killed, and that no one should ever talk about it again.
Burnout: World Tour to feature Diana of Wales’ Car as an unlockable vehicle
By D. of E.
What some are calling “the most controversial decision in video game PR since Hitler endorsed Viva Piñata,” EA, publishers of the acclaimed Burnout series of destructive racers, has added a new unlockable car, “Princess Diana’s Mercedes-Benz W140,” to the newest title in the series, Burnout: World Tour.
The car is unlocked after scoring over 700,000 on the crash stage for the Point de l’Alma tunnel level in Paris, France. Peter Moore, COO of EA, stated, “We believe that this is a great way to honor Princess Diana’s life. EA believes that Diana would want the public to be educated about the dangers of high risk driving, and we believe Burnout offers and opportunity for that education with historical context to set an example.”
Princess Diana was unavailable for comment.
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