GMZ – The Gumzies

The Gumzies

Hey everyone! It’s Daniel. I know this is late, but things have been a little crazy here around the office. A couple of interns died, and we are busy sorting through the paper work to prove that we are not at fault (I don’t know how the company pool was filled with electric eels, but I certainly didn’t put them in there. And last I checked, interns weren’t allowed to use the company pool).

Regardless, our lawyers advised us not to post any more editions until we had the whole thing sorted out, but we decided we couldn’t wait any longer, and released our first edition of The Gumzies. Much like the Academy Awards, but far more prestigious, these editorial awards are given from GMZ co-founders for the “Bests” of the past year. So sit back, relax, and agree with everything we say as Pierre and I count down our choices for 2014.

Game whose protagonist will most likely end up in a future GMZ article

Evil Otto from Berzerk. I vow to make it happen. – Pierre  

Q-Bert, probably – Daniel (Pierre: “Dude, he totally died last year.” Daniel: “It will still probably happen.” Pierre: “I vow to make it happen!”)

Game whose protagonist will most likely never end up in a GMZ article

Bomberman – As soon as real people stop blowing up buildings, people, and/or themselves, and a stupid article about a video game character being a suicide bomber can be funny again, we’ll write one, but it sure doesn’t look like that will happen any time soon. – Pierre

That guy from Dark Void. What was his name? – Daniel

Character most unfairly left out of the new Smash Bros.

Joe Musashi? Ryu Hayabusa? The guy from Faxanadu? I mean, if the trainer from Wii Fit and the fucking dog from Duck Hunt can be in it, why not characters from good games? Also, when are they going to start adding “celebrities”? Justin Bieber, Donald Trump, Chris Brown: how many of you would like to punch all three of these people right now? – Pierre

Space Invaders alien. That’s all I need say. – Daniel

Company most likely to copy the Smash bros. formula next

Likely to be announced at this year’s E3, Xbox All-Stars Battle Royale with Cheese – Play as Master Chief, Alan Wake, a Piñata (Viva Piñata), Banjo Kazooie, The Agent (Crackdown), Frank West, Bill (Left 4 Dead), a Ferrari (Forza), Marcus Fenix, and the entire Dance Central 1, 2, and 3 casts, as well as several other gritty men who shoot guns. – Pierre

Sesame Street beat down. A clobber-fest among all your favorite puppet creatures from the children’s television show. Big bird as the tank. Oscar as the long range sling character, or projectiles (throwing trash everywhere), Bert and Ernie as the tag team characters. So much possibility! – Daniel

Game least likely to get the sequel it deserves

An indie game that highlighted everything that’s right about indie games, Ling’s Cars’ “LINGsCARS” went seriously underappreciated when it was released, as it continues to be today. It had an unforgettable soundtrack, explosive visuals, tight controls, and a compelling storyline. You can play it on her website here or downloaded it for iOS (where it has a 4.5 star rating) here

This game is truly deserving of a sequel, but gamers, as usual, are their own worst enemies, and since nearly no one reported on, reviewed, or played the game, it doesn’t look like a sequel will ever get made, as Ling has moved on from games to providing old Chinese Werther’s Original for old people in England for free instead: – Pierre

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic – Whenever you guys are done making shitty MMO’s that eventually fail and go Free-to-Play, and are ready to make a true single player sequel to the best RPG ever, let me know. I’ll pre-order. – Daniel

Game most likely to be positively reviewed by Kelsey Gramer

Though he hated Super Mario Bros., I feel like Gramer would like Contra even though it’s a retro game. We should get him on that ASAP. Daniel, quick! Call his mom (you have her on speed dial, don’t deny it) and ask her to get him off his Xbox One in her basement so he can stop hurling racist, homophobic, and sexist insults at other online gamers for five minutes so he talk to me on phone right now. I’m gonna make this happen. We can pay him in Doritos and Mountain Dew again. – Pierre

*in the background, on the phone* Yes? Hey Mrs. Gramer! Yeah, is Kelsey home? – Daniel

Game most likely to be next labeled by Fox News as a “danger to youth”

Hatoful Boyfriend – Worried teens will start dating pigeons, and introduce avian chlamydia to the general human population. – Pierre

Octodad: Dadliest Catch – Preaching the “alternative lifestyle” agenda of octopus marriage. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Cephalopod! …What? God did make Cephalopods? On the fifth day? Oh, my mistake. – Daniel

Best Game of the Year

I’m pretty sure I didn’t play a single game released in 2014, so I Am Bread?

Honest opinion? Lethal League. That game is ridiculous fun. – Daniel

Worst Game of the Year

Same problem as the last category, so I’ll go with…I dunno, some Mario game that’s just like the others except for the fact that he has a new hat/power up. – Pierre

Five Night’s at Freddy’s. Shitty jump scare after shitty jump scare. – Daniel

Best Game of Next Year

GMZ: The Visual Novel: The Sitcom: The Erotic Novel: The Movie: The Game. Should come out in time for Christmas 2015. We just need to finalize the loan agreement with the government of Rhode Island. – Pierre (Daniel: “Low blow, man.”)

Half-Life 3 (still hoping) – Daniel

Best Game of the 2020’s

Call of Duty 12: Modern Warfare 7 for Facebook: Oculus Rift Version – Pierre

The Munsters: The Movie: The Game – Daniel

Best Gamer Food

Shit (related to answer 4 questions down). – Pierre

Slap Energy Drink – Daniel

Best Game related Award Show

You’re reading it. – Pierre


Best Gaming website

IGN.orant – Pierre – Daniel

Best Con coverage

GMZ – Special E3 Edition: /2014/06/gmz-e3-2014-special-edition/ – Pierre

GMZ – Mobicon Coverage: – Daniel

Best gaming Controversy

I can’t think of the “best” gaming controversy, in as much as “best” makes me try to think of a “good” controversy, so I’ll apporach as the “best” means “biggest.” In this way, this would also be my answer for the “worst” gaming controversy. Anyway, here’s my answer.

iF the qUestion of best Controversy is asKinG is reflected upon logicAlly, there can only be a single, siMplE answeR. i won’t Give you the Answer though. you know whaT it is alrEady. SERIOUSLY. – Pierre

Battlefield: Hardline – As if our nation (the US) wasn’t distrustful of police enough, let’s make a game about police’s war on crime as an exaggerated all-out gunfight similar to military combat. Great idea, right? Let’s excuse, for a minute, the fact that Battlefield 4 was a buggy, poorly put together piece of shit, and that Hardline looks like it might follow suit, and focus on the real crux here: what are you fucking thinking? Don’t get me wrong, I am all for freedom of speech and artistic license, but as a lover of good PR, are you fucking idiots? Couldn’t you have waited a little bit? Let’s be honest, waiting probably would have been a good idea, given you a chance to work out those horrendous bugs, eh? – Daniel

Gaming icon that everyone hates the most

Luigi – Mario is pretty much the blandest video game character I can think of, and somehow his even more boring brother had a whole damn year dedicated to him that actually lasted more than a year. Luigi is a piece of shit and you know it. It’s time for him to die. Permanently. – Pierre

Sonic – I’ll be honest, I really wanted Sonic Boom to be good, because I wanted a justification for them to take Sonic away from Sonic Team and do something fresh with him. All it really proved is that new and remixed Sonic is just as remarkably shitty as old rehashed Sonic. I say we fucking ban all Sonic products internationally. Make it a UN action. Unless Jaleel White wants to come back to make another Sonic TV show. I’d be down with that. – Daniel