GMZ

GMZ Breaking News Special Bulletin: Nintendo Announces Super Smash Kart Pokémon Vs Tekken Ware Dream Snap Party Star Revelations Turbo

Special guest reporter Bailey here with a red-hot exclusive scoop. Stop the presses: In the latest Nintendo Direct presentation, CEO Satoru Iwata announced a new title that should usher in a new era of crossovers for the big N systems. Gamers everywhere are reeling from the news, as unbelievable as it sounds, and as ridiculously awesome as it seems – with the release of official company screenshots, there seems little room for doubt. It is coming. It is Super Smash Kart Pokémon Vs Tekken Ware Dream Snap Party Star Turbo.

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GMZ

GMZ #18 – YOLO, and (Not Really) Live from SGC

Nintendo Announces Gritty Reboot for Lolo

By Ray Davies

Fans of the classic NES puzzle games Adventures of Lolo might have something to celebrate, depending on how they react to the details of the Lolo reboot. The first game will be called Adventures of Yolo: Quest for Swag. As well, the characters of Lolo and Lala will be combined into Lola. It is not clear if the character will be a transvestite or a transgender person. The game will still be a puzzle game, but instead of moving eggs around to open an exit, your goal will be to pick up sailors and have them leave the club with you. You can expect it for Wii U and 3DS in time for the holidays.
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GMZ #17 – Earthworm Jims, Pop-Punk, Genocide, and Tony! Toni! Tonay?

Interplay Announce Earthworm Jim Reboot, Celebrity Partnerships, No Involvement for TenNapel

Last night’s Vapor Conference event highlight was definitely Interplay announcing their plans to reboot Earthworm Jim. They revealed that several games are already in production, each with a different celebrity endorsement. 6 games were mentioned, with more expected to be announced in the coming year.
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GMZ #16 – Blockbustertoads, TLC, Tell-All, and Night Terrors

Film Adaption of Battletoads to be directed by J.J. Abrams

In order to compete with the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie franchise, started by Michael Bay, Rare has announced a partnership with New Line Cinema, for a new movie based on the Battletoads franchise, with the first film being directed by J.J. Abrams. “We’re really excited for the opportunity to both entertain the audiences with fast paced, amphibian action, and also serve a metaphor on the difference between skin conditions,” said New Line Cinema representative, Doug Duglassen, “we are promising ten times more explosions, and half the depth as our competitor.” Rare executives are, “hoping to use the money from this film to buy [themselves] out of Microsoft’s bondage”.
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GMZ

GMZ – E3 2014 Special Edition

I would like to issue a formal apology for the lateness of this issue of GMZ. It is solely my fault, and I will take responsibility for it, as such. The issue was supposed to be posted Thursday. Wednesday, I entered the hospital with severe testicle pain. The doctor said my balls were just too big. Grossly massive. In his medical opinion, they were “fucking impressive.” I could hardly walk, and I had to stay in the hospital till about 11pm, which didn’t allow me the time I needed to write the articles, as I was away from my phone, computer, or any source of internet.  So, on behalf of myself, and my oversized nuts, I apologize for the tardiness of this issue.

             – Daniel Lamplugh, GMZ Co-Founder
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GMZ

GMZ #15 – Errors and Cons

Ruto Man Hospitalized, Possible Suicide Attempt

The man from the small mountain town of Ruto who was rushed to the Rauru Regional Hospital late last night is conscious and in stable condition. Police have questioned him, as he was discovered unconscious in his home by a neighbour, and have ruled out foul play. The man appears to have been working in his home with a bench and a rope and accidentally hung himself. He explained that it was simply an error.
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GMZ #14 – Fun and Whimsy, Trash and Treasure, Beaches and Bodies

Nintendo Decides to Remove More Options From Tomodachi Life

By Homer Foebier

Apparently not satisfied to just let their apology for their extremely poorly worded explanation as to why Tomodachi Life will not have same-sex relationships have any form of calming effect on its fans, Nintendo has announced that many more options will also be unavailable.

“As we said in regards to gay relationships, we aren’t trying to make any form of social commentary here. We’re just looking to broaden our approach and continue developing fun games that will delight and surprise players,” said a Nintendo of America spokesperson. “As we’ve said before, Tomodachi life was intended to be a whimsical and quirky game, and as such we are removing several more options from the game.”
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GMZ

GMZ #13 – UNBiased Journalism, Raiden’s New Show, and Nuzlocking

Why the WATCH_DOGS/Nexus 7 Tablet Controversy is No Big Deal

By Compère Corporativa

So apparently, Ubisoft gave a bunch of journalists at a Watch Dogs preview event in the UK a free Google Nexus tablet a couple of weeks ago. People on Twitter and in the comments on the outlets who reported about this got pretty upset. Our very own UK correspondent, Nigel Sheepbottom, was at the event and confirmed that not only did they try to give him the tablet, but he also received a bag, which he left at the event, filled with pink Crayola crayons, a hentai colouring book, marijuana cookies, a jar of marmite, personal lubricant, and, most bizarrely, a Pikachu blow-up sex-doll.

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GMZ #12 – Daniel Lamplugh, Tamagotchi, Link’s Sentence, & Kanye+Daisy?

GMZ co-founder Daniel Lamplugh arrested arrested after nude rampage in streets of small Indiana town

By Alyx Warvyk

GMZ co-founder, film director, and oil tycoon Daniel Lamplugh was recently arrested under one count of public indecency, one count of usage of a controlled substance, and two counts of assault after rampaging in the nude in the small suburban town of Keochip, Indiana. This is Lamplugh’s third violent criminal offense. “He was under the influence of over 24oz of cocaine at the time of arrest,” stated Police Chief Max Force, “It’s truly a human marvel that his heart didn’t burst.” Lamplugh has recently been the perpetrator of several sordid events. “I think the money and power went to his head,” offered GMZ reporter B. Byrd, “He even tried to force Pierre out of the company at one point.”

Lamplugh states that he will refuse to plea guilty, regardless of bargains. He is currently residing in the Keochip police precinct.
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GMZ – The Future

GMZ has some big plans, but we need your help. Go to http://www.krowdfuckr.com/GMZ to support our newest project or just watch the vid below for all the info:
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GMZ #11 – Link’s Album, Vince Zampella Interview, & Pensacon Report

[Author Note: Many may react with disdain toward our (and by that, we totally mean Daniel’s) method of covering Pensacon. We understand that we may look rather silly, or worse, disrespectful toward honest convention goers and participants in of an honest and good event like Pensacon, but in reality, we were just trying to have some fun with our job, and also trying to goof around with some of the attendees, and maybe try to make them laugh a little.

We sincerely (and, unlike most of the time when we say that word, we do actually mean it this time) apologize if our presence at the convention bothered any of the other con-goers (we don’t actually know if anyone is upset, but we figured it wouldn’t be far-fetched). As well, we’d like to thank Pensacon for so graciously granting us Media Badges to attend their convention, and we would love to be able to come back next year (and apparently we aren’t the only ones, as Pensacon’s press release states “98% of the attendees interviewed said they planned to return.” Well done!).

So, in conclusion, thank you Staff of Pensacon, Pensacon Attendees and Guests, and anybody in the larger Pensacola area, for tolerating our crap.]
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GMZ #10 – Hip-Hop, Suicide, and Shadows of the (Asian) Empire

[ Editor’s Note: Typically, GMZ posts on Mondays. This edition is posting on a Tuesday, which makes it late. This is entirely my fault, and I apologize to our readers.

But in my defense, I was actually preparing GMZ’s latest edition for publication when one of their office cats got loose. They made me, of all people, go chase after it. “We’re all too busy! But you’re the editor,” they sneered, “You don’t actually do any real work!” Jerks.

And, seriously, you have no idea what a stupid, worthless, soul-sucking exercise it is, spending all afternoon and night hunting down a dumb cat. I was not only questioning the direction my life has taken me, but whether or not that life was worth living anyway.

So, whatever. Call me a good-for-nothing editor all you want, guys, but this is what you get when you make the editor play gopher for your feline hellspawn. Go ahead, see if I go after the next animal you let loose, see what happens, I dare ya. — Bailey. ]

The Mighty Have Fallen

Former video game and TV star and current indie musician “Mighty” Max Schelzi was found dead with two stab wounds in his chest, one with the knife still stuck in it.

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GMZ

GMZ #9 – Samus Sex Tape, Q*Bert & the KKK, Link Case Update

Samus Sex-Tape

By Brian Mather

Famed bounty hunter and world defender, Samus Aran, is in for a shake up. Two days ago, a virally leaked sex tape starring the youthful blonde began circulating around all corners of the net. Celebrity sex tapes are nothing new, but what shocked the public is her “co-star”: Ridley, a leader of the Space Pirates, and Aran’s long time nemesis. “I am severely disappointed by this incident. But, Samus is an adult, and who she brings home is her business,” stated long time friend of Aran, Princess Daisy, of Mario Land fame.
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GMZ

GMZ #8 – PeTA, Q*Bert, Sex Toy Peripherals, & Family Feud

Frustrated PeTA Decides to Lash Out at the Past

By Anne Neemal

Did you hear about PeTA’s new game? Yeah, didn’t think so, but you might be interested.

It appears PeTA thinks they have a problem staying relevant and in gamers’ faces. Not enough new games that treat animals unethically are being made for PeTA to stay in the headlines. Luckily, they seem to have found a perfect solution: looking to the past. So, that’s where they went, way back to the past, and their first target is Joust, since it is apparently unethical to use some bizarre form of giant, flying emus/ostriches in arena-style battle-to-the-death joust matches.

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GMZ

GMZ – Breaking News – Nintendo Fusion

By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard about Nintendo’s next gen console, which will be called the Nintendo Fusion (or NFusion for short). It was all over the news sites last week, but very little information was given other than the name. Well, we here at GMZ managed to get our hands on what Nintendo told us is “only a prototype” version of the console and we’re here to tell you everything you need to know.

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GMZ #7 – Donatello, DiCaprio, BigJoe is Great, and Poetry

Donatello’s New Horizon

By Dave Shar

Donatello, noted member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and founder of technology company Splintered Connections, has announced his leaving the group and the creation of “Half-Shelled: A Look at Games from the Inside-Out,” a series analyzing the game industry, game design, and the stories of different game developers.

“I figured it was time for a change,” Donatello said in an interview with Wired Magazine, “The TMNT were great to me, but I outlasted my prime, and with the tech company doing well enough to sustain me, I decided to leave the group and follow some other ideas I’ve had on my mind for a while.”

When asked if there was any negative feelings over him leaving, he responded happily. “No not at all: Galileo and Leonardo were very understanding. I mean, we were all a little bit bummed, but after Raph’s death a few years back, and having to forcibly remove Mikey from the group, I think they understood my reasons.”
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GMZ – Breaking News – Job Posting

Wanna work for GMZ? Here’s your once in a lifetime opportunity!

Job Title – Web / Software / Sys Admin / Fluffer / Janitor / Receptionist / Graphic Designer / Horse White Glover / Researcher / Writer / Gopher / Gerbil / Editor / Office Manager / Au Pair

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GMZ #6 – Porno, Powerade, Indecent Exposure, and Alex Kidd

Super Mario Bros. Super Show was Almost a Porno?

By Jeremy Holmes

Recently uncovered documents related to the show seem to hint that some episodes’ scripts, the first one in particular, were simply rewritten scripts from unfilmed pornos. Both Nintendo and Mario are denying the allegations, though the evidence seems damning. One of our inside sources, under condition of anonymity, had this to say: “Just look at that first episode. Nicole Eggert from Baywatch shows up. Mario and Luigi tell her they watch her show all the time. Next, she tells them she has a plumbing problem and needs their help. The two guys then show her how good they are at unclogging pipes and the whole thing finishes with the money shot: Nicole gets sprayed all over her face.”

So, was the Super Mario Bros. Super Show’s scripts really written for porno? You decide (jump to the 01:29 mark in the video):

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GMZ #5 – Burgers, Drugs, Sexual Harassment, and Saving America’s Children

BurgerTime Chain Restaurants Forced to Close, Owner Jailed

Peter Pepper, founder and owner of the BurgerTime restaurant chain has been arrested and his restaurants around the world have been closed  after an INTERPOL investigation revealed the widespread and rampant use of unsanitary practices within the restaurants. Investigators found visible footprints on buns, patties, and even some vegetables in hundreds of restaurants. To make matters worse, hidden cameras witnessed employees using pepper spray on food instead of pepper. No word on whether this will affect Mr Pepper’s ice cream factories.
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GMZ #4 – Adoption, Back Hair, and an Exclusive Ninja Turtle Interview

Slippy Toad adopts African child

By Pigma Dengar

 Slippy Toad, celebrity engineer and autist extraordinaire, still leeching onto the worn out trends of A-listers before him (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Captain Commando), recently revealed his new adopted child from the African Congo, who Slippy has decided to name “Linus,” after the Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux. Slippy has since taken Linus on several public shopping trips, a day at the zoo, and to a picnic in south east Cornerian Fields district of Corneria.

Several critics are saying Mr. Toad only adopted the child to attract publicity, especially since the lack of buzz since he came out as bisexual 5 years ago. While some believe Slippy is begging for the spotlight, he confided to The Corneria Gazette that he “really just wanted someone who will appreciate [him] more than the rest of the world does.” Well, be it for publicity, or to make up for emotional neglect, many feel the child is being used as a ploy. But will being a doll for the cameras be an improvement over the impoverished life in Africa? Only time will tell.
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